i'm in love again

though as usual, i seem to do it the hard way.

my mother likes to repeat this saying that she attributes to my brother, "if there's a road straight through, ameena likes to walk off into the brush. she will always take the most difficult route."

i find myself sliding into the curve of his back, wrapping my arm around his waist and somehow fitting perfectly as if there aren't almost twenty years between us. or looking into his brown eyes, as margaret atwood writes, "intricate and easily bruised," and feeling like i can sink right in. immerse myself as if in a lake at the end of the summer.

his kisses and teasing remind me that i exist in a body, still woman, still hungry for a touch, an embrace. his passion ignites mine.

then we have conversations and i feel the vast divide between us splitting open still wider. the differences of age, economic backgrounds, social positions, opportunities. his quick mind, his spongey, evolving spirit let him make herculean leaps. i am sometimes knocked breathless by the romantic lyricism of his emails and text messages. he is an unconscious writer, social commentator and photographer. he can be frighteningly astute and genuinely caring about others.

but he is also young - with the hard-edged black-and-white idealism of his age, as broke as i am, still searching for his career path and beset with health issues. he's not in a position to offer much help sorting through my drama. our connection is as volatile and unpredictable as the circumstances of our lives.

at the same time, the amazons (the three teenaged daughters i live with) are melting down, paying work isn't coming in fast enough, my exhusbands offer intermittant help - when they are not an active hindrance.

i am not capable of juggling people and emergencies at my previous speed. in fact, when i feel even slightly anxious, i can't comprehend the words around me - spoken or written.

and it is an enormous effort to look after anyone. even the simplest task feels daunting to me.

as i said last week. let's see what happens next.