i only want what i can't have

i've seen it in myself.

the pain of those ego-based break-ups.

gradually allowing myself to fall in love with someone who initially i wouldn't have taken seriously. maybe someone who i would have walked away from immediately, someone whose dreams and aspirations seemed laughable to me, but circumstances, and possibly lust, dragged it out.

feeling like i was on safe, but much higher ground - he would never walk away from ME - i let myself sink into a relationship.

perhaps the lesson was in having a relationship and learning to appreciate someone unlikely, someone i might have just passed over if i hadn't been in a low moment. learning about a whole new perspective.

then comes the incredible painful shock. he drops ME. after all the sacrifices i made for him. all the humoring and patronizing and babying. i pretended to take all his stupid ideas seriously. i complimented his bad writing or out-of-shape body. i run it over and over in my head. i flail and grasp at straws. i try desperately to do everything to fix it. i'm sinking fast.

why do those rejections that hurt your ego hurt so much more?

i've been watching a friend go through the pain and contortions of being dumped by a girlfriend.

she was someone he'd had always been dismissive of. he'd entered into the relationship as if he was the "settler" and she was the "reacher." (as defined in "how i met your mother.")

when she dumped him, the tables turned.

suddenly, the power play that underlies most relationships as they ease out of the initial glow and into the day-to-day balance shifts drastically.

as a lawyer friend of mine says, the girlfriend's holding all the cards. he is just going to take whatever she offers. if she offers anything. and even if she doesn't, my friend is going to run around after her like an abused child. and then she will dump him again. because now she knows she can.

i know, i've done it before. sent my paramour emails and presents and flowers. showed up with chicken soup and tea when he was sick. bought him rich, chocolate-colored italian cashmere sweaters. interestingly, he returned everything i gave him when we split up. he left it (in one of the shopping bags i brought over) downstairs with the doorman.

it's like all the weight in the boat sliding to one side. the side you're on is filling up with water and you're bailing it out as fast as you can. there's a part of you that knows it was inevitable and a part of you who's sold yourself the dream.

at the moment, i am so glad it's my friend going through it and not me. not sure i am evolved enough to feel like i'm drowning and know i'm not.

when the storm is finally over, it all calms and you're stable again.

that's when the question should arise, am i capable of being with someone who's floating right alongside me?