ok, for you men out there - this post is after a discussion with my sister-in-law about who is responsible for a child.
her theory: if a woman gets pregnant, it's her own fault. if she decides to have the baby - and the guy doesn't want it and wants her to have an abortion - she takes the responsibility herself and can't hit the father up for financial/emotional help afterwards.
my theory: guys make a decision the minute they have sex without birth control. actually, in some cases, the minute they have penetrative intercourse. let's face it, women - and all human beings in general, except for your own self - are wild cards. you never know what deep-seated memories are triggered by which events.
so you, the guy, may hop into bed with someone thinking that it's a done (footloose and free-loving deal) and she may get pregnant and suddenly all her thoughts of motherhood and her own childhood and the bizarre behaviour kicked in by hormones and who know WHAT she will do.
basically, you just handed her a loaded gun - that you loaded, btw - and now, if you didn't take precautions earlier (and sometimes even if you did). you are going to have to deal with the consequences.
even if the consequences are that she falls madly in love with you (a la fatal attraction) or you fall madly in love with her (and she's not interested).
sex is a complicated and emotionally-fraught act.
do it without thinking and you could end up dealing with the offspring (and the mother or father) for a good 18 years.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
mercury retrograde
the clock changed and i'm trying to move forwards not back.
briefly, this summer, i fell back in love with an old boyfriend. probably because i've been in a rapidly accelerating crisis situation and i longed for something safe, tested, worn-in and comfortable.
he showed me, through innumerable signs exactly how unsuitable he was. when i needed help moving, he said he'd come and instead called me 5 hours after it was all over. no explanation. in fact, he showed up late to absolutely every meeting, even when he chose the time. over the years, he'd borrowed money from me, and now - despite my panicked financial moment - he still didn't offer to help or to even buy my kid a box of popcorn when he met us in the movie theater. he just ignored her hints.
still i could feel the sexual tension between us and the longing in the way he left the apartment. i could feel my kids' pleasure in his presence.
and after a pathetic last-ditch effort to re-connect, the illusion suddenly crashed to the floor. he was the same person i had walked away from. he was his same sweet, loving, irresponsible and self-centered self.
back to internet dating and all its related irritations.
like first of all, why do people simply ignore your qualifications? i am not interested in white men over 40. i even put it in the first line of my description. not because i am racist, just because i did that already.
probably the same reason i fell back in love. because you see what you want to see. because you project all those qualities you dream of on thin structure of the person you know.
there is something so 2-dimensional and impossible about meeting people that way. no one ever seems to look like their picture. almost inevitably, they look worse and are 2 inches shorter. no one can spell or write comprehensible sentences. or if they can, they are total disasters off the page. how can you meet everyone? and how can you possibly narrow your choices from a tiny profile?
ah. off to the acupuncturist to ponder further.
briefly, this summer, i fell back in love with an old boyfriend. probably because i've been in a rapidly accelerating crisis situation and i longed for something safe, tested, worn-in and comfortable.
he showed me, through innumerable signs exactly how unsuitable he was. when i needed help moving, he said he'd come and instead called me 5 hours after it was all over. no explanation. in fact, he showed up late to absolutely every meeting, even when he chose the time. over the years, he'd borrowed money from me, and now - despite my panicked financial moment - he still didn't offer to help or to even buy my kid a box of popcorn when he met us in the movie theater. he just ignored her hints.
still i could feel the sexual tension between us and the longing in the way he left the apartment. i could feel my kids' pleasure in his presence.
and after a pathetic last-ditch effort to re-connect, the illusion suddenly crashed to the floor. he was the same person i had walked away from. he was his same sweet, loving, irresponsible and self-centered self.
back to internet dating and all its related irritations.
like first of all, why do people simply ignore your qualifications? i am not interested in white men over 40. i even put it in the first line of my description. not because i am racist, just because i did that already.
probably the same reason i fell back in love. because you see what you want to see. because you project all those qualities you dream of on thin structure of the person you know.
there is something so 2-dimensional and impossible about meeting people that way. no one ever seems to look like their picture. almost inevitably, they look worse and are 2 inches shorter. no one can spell or write comprehensible sentences. or if they can, they are total disasters off the page. how can you meet everyone? and how can you possibly narrow your choices from a tiny profile?
ah. off to the acupuncturist to ponder further.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
motherhood
i seem to fall in love with men who are - to a man - children.
they are incapable of seeing other people as anything other than extensions of their egos.
laughing even as i type this. my current paramour, more than 15 years my junior seems to be more patient, wise and able to put others first than any of the men nearly hitting 60.
so what's the reason for my arrested development?
my desire to be a "superwoman" to look after everyone?
here's a warning sign. when you find you are looking after a man - an adult - and he's requiring more attention than the actual under-18 members of your household and helping even less, then you probably need to question your motives.
you can't re-make your messed-up childhood, or re-make his, no matter how hard you try.
they are incapable of seeing other people as anything other than extensions of their egos.
laughing even as i type this. my current paramour, more than 15 years my junior seems to be more patient, wise and able to put others first than any of the men nearly hitting 60.
so what's the reason for my arrested development?
my desire to be a "superwoman" to look after everyone?
here's a warning sign. when you find you are looking after a man - an adult - and he's requiring more attention than the actual under-18 members of your household and helping even less, then you probably need to question your motives.
you can't re-make your messed-up childhood, or re-make his, no matter how hard you try.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
past lives
woke up yesterday morning in the midst of a dream of an ex-boyfriend.
he was so close to my face - i haven't seen him in years - i could feel his breath on my skin, see every pore and sense the muscles tensing in his cheeks. what's funny is that, without that dream, i could barely have remembered what he looked like.
in my dream, i was sitting in a sidewalk cafe and i saw a man riding around past us on a bicycle, shooting the street through a movie camera that he wore on his face like binoculars.
i was fascinated by the project. then he got off the bicycle and walked towards me. i recognized him and called out his name. the friend i was with in the cafe, dashed off to chase her child. i was thrilled to see him and he got closer and closer.
suddenly, he was inches from my face, about to give me a kiss. and i saw that 20 year-old smile so clearly. looking at him, i thrashed myself through consciousness to wake up - late for my ramadan pre-sunrise breakfast.
still in the afterglow of my dream, i made some eggs and pondered it.
i realized that the guy i saw in my dream couldn't have been my ex-boyfriend. not ever, in waking life. i saw him for what i'd dreamed him to be. a filmmaker with a handmade camera - because he'd always had a unique point of view. in real life, he is probably a manager of a business or a contractor. something safe and content.
let's call him joe. joe had a difficult childhood because his parents weren't helpful, his siblings weren't interested and no one else had been either. he was abandoned early on.
and somehow i could look at him and see his potential. all the possibilities of what he might have been if he'd had wider exposure, if he'd had more support, if he'd had the advantages of an upper middleclass childhood.
but the truth is, i could never be the person who would help him overcome that. and, in reality, he never would.
and i thought of a recent ex and realized how often i see someone's untapped potential and see them for that - perhaps dream that for them - while they might never reach it. they might not even see it themselves. they might not even want to.
and it made me wonder how often one is in relationships where you see only the best in someone while they see only their obstacles. and that maybe understanding your partner's setbacks and insurmountable barriers can do you both more good that envisioning where they could be without them.
he was so close to my face - i haven't seen him in years - i could feel his breath on my skin, see every pore and sense the muscles tensing in his cheeks. what's funny is that, without that dream, i could barely have remembered what he looked like.
in my dream, i was sitting in a sidewalk cafe and i saw a man riding around past us on a bicycle, shooting the street through a movie camera that he wore on his face like binoculars.
i was fascinated by the project. then he got off the bicycle and walked towards me. i recognized him and called out his name. the friend i was with in the cafe, dashed off to chase her child. i was thrilled to see him and he got closer and closer.
suddenly, he was inches from my face, about to give me a kiss. and i saw that 20 year-old smile so clearly. looking at him, i thrashed myself through consciousness to wake up - late for my ramadan pre-sunrise breakfast.
still in the afterglow of my dream, i made some eggs and pondered it.
i realized that the guy i saw in my dream couldn't have been my ex-boyfriend. not ever, in waking life. i saw him for what i'd dreamed him to be. a filmmaker with a handmade camera - because he'd always had a unique point of view. in real life, he is probably a manager of a business or a contractor. something safe and content.
let's call him joe. joe had a difficult childhood because his parents weren't helpful, his siblings weren't interested and no one else had been either. he was abandoned early on.
and somehow i could look at him and see his potential. all the possibilities of what he might have been if he'd had wider exposure, if he'd had more support, if he'd had the advantages of an upper middleclass childhood.
but the truth is, i could never be the person who would help him overcome that. and, in reality, he never would.
and i thought of a recent ex and realized how often i see someone's untapped potential and see them for that - perhaps dream that for them - while they might never reach it. they might not even see it themselves. they might not even want to.
and it made me wonder how often one is in relationships where you see only the best in someone while they see only their obstacles. and that maybe understanding your partner's setbacks and insurmountable barriers can do you both more good that envisioning where they could be without them.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
my old man pt 2
so lately i've gone a handful of dates with 20-somethings.
and while i don't know if they saw me as a haggard old crone (it was just my 45th birthday), i felt a bit empty afterwards.
what i love about younger guys is their enthusiasm, excitement, energy and optimism.
but i walked away wondering what we talked about.
maybe i was intimidating. maybe they were shy. but somehow the conversations lacked depth. they felt like missed trains.
i'm not interested in cynicism, excessive analytics or psychological digs, but isn't there a middle ground?
and while i don't know if they saw me as a haggard old crone (it was just my 45th birthday), i felt a bit empty afterwards.
what i love about younger guys is their enthusiasm, excitement, energy and optimism.
but i walked away wondering what we talked about.
maybe i was intimidating. maybe they were shy. but somehow the conversations lacked depth. they felt like missed trains.
i'm not interested in cynicism, excessive analytics or psychological digs, but isn't there a middle ground?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
love in a headscarf
met a women at the MLT conference today called Shelina Zahra Janmohamed who's written a book called, LOVE IN A HEADSCARF about her search for love - both romantic and divine.
she also has a blog www.spirit21.co.uk
wondering about dating/falling in love with a woman in a hijab? compelling? or does it freak you out?
read her book and her blog which gained her the title, one of britain's 50 most powerful women, for tips and information.
she showed up at the event with her husband - a muslim and a south asian - so i guess the search is over.
but i'm really interested in how it played out...
she also has a blog www.spirit21.co.uk
wondering about dating/falling in love with a woman in a hijab? compelling? or does it freak you out?
read her book and her blog which gained her the title, one of britain's 50 most powerful women, for tips and information.
she showed up at the event with her husband - a muslim and a south asian - so i guess the search is over.
but i'm really interested in how it played out...
Thursday, April 9, 2009
age old or the sweetness of spring
raise your hands if you read, "Your Old Man" in the sunday, ny times magazine, with a smug sense of i-told-you-so.
i shop the juniors section myself. can't help it.
the article, by lisa belkin, was about the male biological clock and the fact that sperm ages too. so if, like tony randall, you father a child at 60 or so (even after 39, guys), your kid is more likely to be schizophrenic, autistic, bipolar, less intelligent, etc.
just realized she was scooped emily nussbaum, "this old sperm," in new york magazine (p11, march 23, 2009). yes, the smartest kids are the combination of older mothers and younger fathers! (nussbaum suggests 45 year-old career women inseminated by their 21 year-old personal trainers). rock on, career women.
did i learn that intuitively?
was talking to my friend satyajit the other day (he's 39 or 40) about a woman friend who was regretting never getting married and/or having kids (as we all have momentary regrets about one or another life-altering choice we make).
s: how old is she?
me: she's about the same age as you.
s: oh my god! and she's never been married?
me: neither have you. what time warp do you live in?
he said, i'm a GUY. and what about her biological clock?
let me tell you a bit more about earlier in the conversation -
s: all my friends were asking about you at that party, they said she's so beautiful! she must have been dynamite!
me: flattered but wondering why they used the past tense.
s: heh-heh, you know men only care about women in their 20s.
YES! justification!
since i split up with my decade-or-more older exhusband, i've found that men over the age of 40 (sometimes they last til 43) are not appealing as romantic partners. (though they can be entertaining friends).
generally, for guys, 26-32 is the sweet spot.
why?
younger guys are energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic about anything new. they approach relationships with sweetness and light. they have fun with my kids. they fall in love.
on an even more superficial level, their eyes sparkle, their skin is smooth, their abs are swoon-inspiring.
the older men complain about their exes and how bad/uninteresting/idiotic music, film, art, dance, journalism, literature has become. they bemoan the demise of the "good old days." they lay down absolutes about child discipline. they are often sarcastic, cynical and so self-protective that they can't be vulnerable or truly intimate.
(my experience btw)
ok. if you are a woman and thinking of dating up or down - here are some thoughts on the male operating system.
after a man reaches age 40-45, there is good old E.D. (look that up). this is shockingly common and it just gets worse.
a whole host of physiological and psychological factors can keep an older man from maintaining an erection (stress, depression, prostate issues, smoking, drinking alcohol, lack of sleep) and/or the ability to ejaculate.
next - what you see is what you get.
as women, we've been freaking out about our bodies since we were 10. we exercise. we eat healthy food. we scrub exfoliate and moisturize. we depilate and do crunches.
most men have not and do not do this. (unless they are gay, but that's not useful for the purposes of my research).
they generally don't realize that flesh-and-bones case that carries their souls requires maintenance.
worse, if they are successful, they wear their hairy-sprouting ears and portly bellies with pride, even in a bathing suit at a resort. (can you imagine a woman doing that?)
let's say you get past the thrill of dating and on to a marriage. things get worse.
having had kids with guys who are much older than myself (unless you have a TON of money) it's a big drag. they do not have the energy deal with a squalling infant or toddler. on daddy-duty, they put the kid "down for a nap" - which means daddy falls asleep and baby crawls out of the room and off to put barbie shoes into the dvd player or peanut butter in the electric sockets - while you are trying to do some rushed grocery shopping...
a ton of money would mean they could hire someone to do the job for them. so at least, you'd get time off. again, i am in my 40s so i know how hard it is to be round-the-clock parent, but i didn't START in my 40s.
last of all, if you've just realized you forgot to have a family (desperate to get pregnant) - your chances increase dramatically with a younger guy - if nothing else, frequency of ejaculation increases the probability of conception.
my suggestion - rob the cradle now so you can fill your own.
even grouchy old guys can be entertaining friends and great company - and i'm sure there are exceptions to the previous descriptions, but they are exceptions.
old sages can be wise. be you can be wiser. don't bring them home with you.
i shop the juniors section myself. can't help it.
the article, by lisa belkin, was about the male biological clock and the fact that sperm ages too. so if, like tony randall, you father a child at 60 or so (even after 39, guys), your kid is more likely to be schizophrenic, autistic, bipolar, less intelligent, etc.
just realized she was scooped emily nussbaum, "this old sperm," in new york magazine (p11, march 23, 2009). yes, the smartest kids are the combination of older mothers and younger fathers! (nussbaum suggests 45 year-old career women inseminated by their 21 year-old personal trainers). rock on, career women.
did i learn that intuitively?
was talking to my friend satyajit the other day (he's 39 or 40) about a woman friend who was regretting never getting married and/or having kids (as we all have momentary regrets about one or another life-altering choice we make).
s: how old is she?
me: she's about the same age as you.
s: oh my god! and she's never been married?
me: neither have you. what time warp do you live in?
he said, i'm a GUY. and what about her biological clock?
let me tell you a bit more about earlier in the conversation -
s: all my friends were asking about you at that party, they said she's so beautiful! she must have been dynamite!
me: flattered but wondering why they used the past tense.
s: heh-heh, you know men only care about women in their 20s.
YES! justification!
since i split up with my decade-or-more older exhusband, i've found that men over the age of 40 (sometimes they last til 43) are not appealing as romantic partners. (though they can be entertaining friends).
generally, for guys, 26-32 is the sweet spot.
why?
younger guys are energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic about anything new. they approach relationships with sweetness and light. they have fun with my kids. they fall in love.
on an even more superficial level, their eyes sparkle, their skin is smooth, their abs are swoon-inspiring.
the older men complain about their exes and how bad/uninteresting/idiotic music, film, art, dance, journalism, literature has become. they bemoan the demise of the "good old days." they lay down absolutes about child discipline. they are often sarcastic, cynical and so self-protective that they can't be vulnerable or truly intimate.
(my experience btw)
ok. if you are a woman and thinking of dating up or down - here are some thoughts on the male operating system.
after a man reaches age 40-45, there is good old E.D. (look that up). this is shockingly common and it just gets worse.
a whole host of physiological and psychological factors can keep an older man from maintaining an erection (stress, depression, prostate issues, smoking, drinking alcohol, lack of sleep) and/or the ability to ejaculate.
next - what you see is what you get.
as women, we've been freaking out about our bodies since we were 10. we exercise. we eat healthy food. we scrub exfoliate and moisturize. we depilate and do crunches.
most men have not and do not do this. (unless they are gay, but that's not useful for the purposes of my research).
they generally don't realize that flesh-and-bones case that carries their souls requires maintenance.
worse, if they are successful, they wear their hairy-sprouting ears and portly bellies with pride, even in a bathing suit at a resort. (can you imagine a woman doing that?)
let's say you get past the thrill of dating and on to a marriage. things get worse.
having had kids with guys who are much older than myself (unless you have a TON of money) it's a big drag. they do not have the energy deal with a squalling infant or toddler. on daddy-duty, they put the kid "down for a nap" - which means daddy falls asleep and baby crawls out of the room and off to put barbie shoes into the dvd player or peanut butter in the electric sockets - while you are trying to do some rushed grocery shopping...
a ton of money would mean they could hire someone to do the job for them. so at least, you'd get time off. again, i am in my 40s so i know how hard it is to be round-the-clock parent, but i didn't START in my 40s.
last of all, if you've just realized you forgot to have a family (desperate to get pregnant) - your chances increase dramatically with a younger guy - if nothing else, frequency of ejaculation increases the probability of conception.
my suggestion - rob the cradle now so you can fill your own.
even grouchy old guys can be entertaining friends and great company - and i'm sure there are exceptions to the previous descriptions, but they are exceptions.
old sages can be wise. be you can be wiser. don't bring them home with you.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
dating across the age barrier
i am pleased to say i recently went on a date with the cutest 29 year-old with big brown eyes and long, long lashes that would make butterflies weep.
we met online and started a flip-flirtation on ichat.
much as i enjoyed his playful nature, i couldn't help myself from pointing out, "this is fun but really you should be calling me auntie."
to which he kindly responded, "DUDE, i read your profile thoroughly! i know you've got three kids and i know how old you are."
anyway, we met up for brunch.
brunch? as you get older your wrinkles get worse as they day progresses. in the morning, just after a shower, i look fresh and rosy. and morning sunlight is so sweet and optimistic.
also, with 3 teenagers who all require picking up and dropping off on weekend evenings it is almost impossible for me to go out in the evening. the last time i tried to do something, james told sasha (then-15 and in a miniskirt) to take a cab home from a party on the westside highway and 27th st because he was already getting into bed.
then again, semi-darkness can hide a multitude of flaws especially with some good concealer...
needless to say, you've got to have an exceptional spark to do the legwork (i know, at my tired old age) to make it work across the age borders - and we didn't set off fireworks - though i was thrilled to discover he was a lovely, caring person.
we met online and started a flip-flirtation on ichat.
much as i enjoyed his playful nature, i couldn't help myself from pointing out, "this is fun but really you should be calling me auntie."
to which he kindly responded, "DUDE, i read your profile thoroughly! i know you've got three kids and i know how old you are."
anyway, we met up for brunch.
brunch? as you get older your wrinkles get worse as they day progresses. in the morning, just after a shower, i look fresh and rosy. and morning sunlight is so sweet and optimistic.
also, with 3 teenagers who all require picking up and dropping off on weekend evenings it is almost impossible for me to go out in the evening. the last time i tried to do something, james told sasha (then-15 and in a miniskirt) to take a cab home from a party on the westside highway and 27th st because he was already getting into bed.
then again, semi-darkness can hide a multitude of flaws especially with some good concealer...
needless to say, you've got to have an exceptional spark to do the legwork (i know, at my tired old age) to make it work across the age borders - and we didn't set off fireworks - though i was thrilled to discover he was a lovely, caring person.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
reading the signs
another hard lesson.
oh maybe not, because it's something i've tried to do before and i didn't learn then.
the difficulties of trying to do business with an ex. or a current.
i read an article somewhere about the effects of love/sex on the female brain. and women trust men they sleep with - or are romantically involved with.
and even years later, it can be hard to separate what you want to believe "seeing the best in a person" and what the rest of the world is telling you.
so, yet again, i tried to collaborate with a once-romantic partner.
and one after the other, every project i put him on to collapsed. and one after the other, clients didn't like him, found him too tightly-wound, too aggressive and too confrontational.
or they simply disappeared.
and i kept putting it down to the changing economy, his learning a new paradigm - working in the beauty/fashion industry - rather than the boy-power world of business.
and then - as the economy got worse - he turned his gaze on me
and started blaming my communication style for breakdowns, my informal work style as disrespectful and the main obstacle to our success.
it is true that i have the attention span of a flea, very little patience and a sudden and short temper. though my miniscule attention span means that i've forgotten it pretty fast too.
the fact that i am generally operating as a creative or a strategist in an industry that requires immediate and complete immersion one minute and a 360 change of direction the next, my sprinter's style works well.
he comes from a world of suits, long-drawn-out power negotiations, conference calls, and constant meetings. his work is less the business of "making things" and more that of creating a setting.
in any case, cross-cultural misfire.
and - i've seen it again and again - husband-and-wife start-ups, boyfriend-and-girlfriend fashion lines, girlfriend-and-girlfriend handbags collections. they all almost all fall apart.
(with a few exceptions - inez and vinoodh, my brother's friends james and nora lee ... can't think of more off the top of my head. except for gay men. they seem to have seamlessly pulled off the dissolution of the relationship without the dissolution of the business. maybe it's a guy thing. haven't learned it)
so my advice - if you insist on trying to work with a romantic partner or spouse - or an ex:
draw up a legal document. this may be more important than a pre-nup.
figure out what you expect from each other.
how much you are each investing and what qualifies as an investment.
what your responsibilites are
how you will dissolve the partnership
you should do this while you are still jolly and excited about the possibilities. then you tend to be more open to each other's points of view. and more generous.
i suppose the writing should have been on the wall when my "friend" became completely angry and defensive and refused to even consider such a thing...
anyway, in this case, your ethnicity only matters in that, as "good" asian women, we're willing to take the blame.
that may be the case for almost all women who've been brought up to be "nice" at the expense of all else...
oh maybe not, because it's something i've tried to do before and i didn't learn then.
the difficulties of trying to do business with an ex. or a current.
i read an article somewhere about the effects of love/sex on the female brain. and women trust men they sleep with - or are romantically involved with.
and even years later, it can be hard to separate what you want to believe "seeing the best in a person" and what the rest of the world is telling you.
so, yet again, i tried to collaborate with a once-romantic partner.
and one after the other, every project i put him on to collapsed. and one after the other, clients didn't like him, found him too tightly-wound, too aggressive and too confrontational.
or they simply disappeared.
and i kept putting it down to the changing economy, his learning a new paradigm - working in the beauty/fashion industry - rather than the boy-power world of business.
and then - as the economy got worse - he turned his gaze on me
and started blaming my communication style for breakdowns, my informal work style as disrespectful and the main obstacle to our success.
it is true that i have the attention span of a flea, very little patience and a sudden and short temper. though my miniscule attention span means that i've forgotten it pretty fast too.
the fact that i am generally operating as a creative or a strategist in an industry that requires immediate and complete immersion one minute and a 360 change of direction the next, my sprinter's style works well.
he comes from a world of suits, long-drawn-out power negotiations, conference calls, and constant meetings. his work is less the business of "making things" and more that of creating a setting.
in any case, cross-cultural misfire.
and - i've seen it again and again - husband-and-wife start-ups, boyfriend-and-girlfriend fashion lines, girlfriend-and-girlfriend handbags collections. they all almost all fall apart.
(with a few exceptions - inez and vinoodh, my brother's friends james and nora lee ... can't think of more off the top of my head. except for gay men. they seem to have seamlessly pulled off the dissolution of the relationship without the dissolution of the business. maybe it's a guy thing. haven't learned it)
so my advice - if you insist on trying to work with a romantic partner or spouse - or an ex:
draw up a legal document. this may be more important than a pre-nup.
figure out what you expect from each other.
how much you are each investing and what qualifies as an investment.
what your responsibilites are
how you will dissolve the partnership
you should do this while you are still jolly and excited about the possibilities. then you tend to be more open to each other's points of view. and more generous.
i suppose the writing should have been on the wall when my "friend" became completely angry and defensive and refused to even consider such a thing...
anyway, in this case, your ethnicity only matters in that, as "good" asian women, we're willing to take the blame.
that may be the case for almost all women who've been brought up to be "nice" at the expense of all else...
Monday, March 23, 2009
rules of the game or sexercises
i'm breaking this up because this is important.
i don't want you to just skip over this stuff.
BEFORE you leap into bed with your new ethnic hottie -
1. be honest with yourself – what’s your secret, private view of the “other” person. what is exciting about it? what is weird? do you hate uncircumsized penises? do piercings make you squeamish?
2. more honesty: what are you willing to do? what stereotypes are you willing to give up?
3. talk about it. not about how hot and sexy you are or someone else is. not about how desperate you are to have sex with someone. but honestly, with your partner. it usually is easier to do when you are not about to have sex. talk about it when you are both in the car and can look out the window when it’s too awkward to catch each other’s gaze.
this is also a good moment to talk about stds. especially the incurable and/or fatal variety.
and while you're here, you might as well get the condom question out in the open.
even if this is your wedding night.
4. NEXT - talk about it with your close friends if it doesn’t embarass you to death. get a sense of how human you are. trade some stories. this is not an opportunity to make stuff up to impress your homies. this is a chance to connect in a safe space.
5. also essential - exercise. eat healthy food. get enough sleep. don’t smoke. your body really is your temple. live in it. be good to your body and it will be good to you. and to others.
sex is always better when you are healthier.
(not convinced? they say women who do pilates and yoga have better orgasms. just a thought.)
i don't want you to just skip over this stuff.
BEFORE you leap into bed with your new ethnic hottie -
1. be honest with yourself – what’s your secret, private view of the “other” person. what is exciting about it? what is weird? do you hate uncircumsized penises? do piercings make you squeamish?
2. more honesty: what are you willing to do? what stereotypes are you willing to give up?
3. talk about it. not about how hot and sexy you are or someone else is. not about how desperate you are to have sex with someone. but honestly, with your partner. it usually is easier to do when you are not about to have sex. talk about it when you are both in the car and can look out the window when it’s too awkward to catch each other’s gaze.
this is also a good moment to talk about stds. especially the incurable and/or fatal variety.
and while you're here, you might as well get the condom question out in the open.
even if this is your wedding night.
4. NEXT - talk about it with your close friends if it doesn’t embarass you to death. get a sense of how human you are. trade some stories. this is not an opportunity to make stuff up to impress your homies. this is a chance to connect in a safe space.
5. also essential - exercise. eat healthy food. get enough sleep. don’t smoke. your body really is your temple. live in it. be good to your body and it will be good to you. and to others.
sex is always better when you are healthier.
(not convinced? they say women who do pilates and yoga have better orgasms. just a thought.)
Sunday, March 22, 2009
high-risk activity or sexploitation
a couple of years ago, i worked for a woman called nancy jarecki branding, strategizing and creating a product called, "BETTY: color for the hair down there." it was an instant sensation - though i'm not sure it's not a one-off product. a cute novelty but not a mainstay.
so last night i was hanging out with a friend and she was saying, "you know, i'm getting some gray hairs on my cooch and i was wondering about that product."
what's so funny about that is that betty's biggest and most reliable consumerbase are women with graying "hair down there." older women are still in the dating market these days and if they are not doing brazilians, they are noticing that all your hair ages together.
so i told her what i told nancy and her husband andrew.
that is just silly.
because if, in the throes of procreation, you are worried about your new pal taking note of your gray hairs, you have a lot more to be worried about.
like the way society sees older women and sexuality. and the way we approach aging in general. and that is another story all together.
anyway, on to intimacy.
let me explain what i mean by “sex” here. i’m going wide. i mean intimacy in all its variations. i am not using the bill clinton definition. there are plenty of people who don’t believe in sex before marriage or at least until they feel really committed to someone.
and there are others to who see it as a prerequisite to a second date.
i'm not making any judgement on your choices in those matters, not least because people who live in glass houses shouldn’t cast the first stone - or any stones...
sex can be a first kiss, a make-out session, a grope. or the whole bang. and since it is a driving force for most animal life, it is rife with misconceptions and preconceptions – and this even before you consider the conception aspect.
admit it, you have heard all the stories about african-american guys being hung like horses, asian women being submissive, catholic girls being out of control, jewish guys analyzing everything.
first volatile situation.
it’s not what you expected. never is.
having dated all over the world – and had tons of friends unload their war stories – the sexpectations are half the battle. and also when things start to get a little weird.
for lots of second-generation asians, east and south (koreans, chinese, japanese, filipino, indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis, sri lankans – you know i mean YOU), we grew up with so much pressure to marry our own kind that the thought of dating one is just too intense.
so you see the euro-guy or girl as the sex object and the asian counterpart as the person you marry and have kids with.
or, you see the euro-type as the hottie, just like all the movies, and the asian version is your brother or sister or cousin-brother or cousin-sister and even envisioning sex with them feels like incest.
so for all the sisters who are fed up with their banana or coconut brothers – or all the asian guys who feel like they will never get the girl – don’t take it personally.
and for all those muslim girls who are still single because they believe they can only hook up with muslim guys - and muslim guys have the pick of christians, jews AND muslims so they are not showing up to "muslim dating events" - here's your opportunity.
get out there and realize that you will not be excommunicated if you don't win the aunty-lottery by marrying a nice pakistani banker. there ARE really great guys out there if you are willing to cross over.
and you don't have to dump the guy just 'cause he wants to hold hands in the movie theater (did you all read that article in the ny times sunday styles of the times?)
sex isn't bad and evil. it's a way to show love and affection.
and there are tons and tons of human beings out there who may be from an unexpected cultures, races, religions and age groups who may support you in whatever religious practice you choose as well as being worth falling in love with.
so don't give into the pressure!
on that note.
i have a cousin (abcd arif) who dated the daughter of one of his mom’s closest friends. they were both educated, uppermiddle class indian muslims who’d grown up in the u.s. and europe. they were also both very attractive and eligible.
so after about two dates, their moms were constantly on the phone with each other about the wedding. and any time the guy and girl had a fight, their moms would get in the middle and start trying to get them back together.
anyway, the pressure was so crushing that the relationship exploded. (the happy ending? the woman married a nice french guy, arif married a lovely british-dutch woman.)
this situation is not limited to second-generation asian-americans. we all saw “my big fat greek wedding,”right? being from an immigrant family, no matter what your economic or educational level, complicates the love story.
back to the sex. sleeping with the enemy is where it really gets exciting. if you are an indian muslim, or even more complicated, a pakistani, the indian hindu guy or girl might give you a frisson. you’ve heard that the girls are really wild.
and the guys – come on, it IS the birthplace of the kama sutra.
if you’re an indian woman, you’ve probably heard that pakistani guys tote big sticks. hindu guys think christian or anglo-indian girls are fast and easy, and muslim girls are fair flowers waiting to be plucked.
if you’re an arab guy, you think israeli girls have hot army-buff bodies. if you’re an israeli guy, you think the best thing about american girls is the blow job.
i have a tall, blond friend in berlin who tells me he has the body of an adonis and says that germans are secretly obsessed with dark- skinned women. (the horror the horror)
once a sikh cabdriver asked an indian-american guy friend – his passenger – whether it was really true about american women, “all that sucking and f--ing”? he wanted advice on how to convince his wife to experiment.
oral sex is a big divisive issue. for most of the world, certain parts of the body – like the peepee – are unclean. you do not put them anywhere near your mouth.
for the most part, you love it or you wouldn’t go near it with a ten-foot pole (assuming you have one).
let’s say you feel like it is fun and essential and your partner is going nowhere south - how do you deal?
or let’s say there’s ANYTHING that your partner isn’t doing that you would like him or her to. or the way you would like it.
step one, and this is surprisingly hard, you talk about it.
(AUGH! who doesn't tell you to do this?)
you say, “i’d love it if you could do this.” or you say, “i feel like i’m missing something...” the key is that you don’t make your partner feel bad about his/her taste, instead you allow him or her to rise to the situation.
step two: nothing doing. it freaks him or her out. now it’s time for tough love.
decide what you want and what you’re willing to put into it. maybe you see some potential in your partner as a long-term love. and people are willing to sacrifice a lot for love. (especially in the beginning when it is intensified by euphoria and lust).
maybe you can’t live without cetrain pleasures of the flesh. in which case, you walk.
my own feeling is, there are some things turn my stomach and try as i might, i will never be able to enjoy them.
as a muslim, i grew up not eating pig in any form.
to this day, i cannot bring myself to eat it.
it's like monkey brains or something.
even bits of bacon in singapore rice or whatever, i just see them and it grosses me out. i could be madly in love with an american southerner who lives for fried pork rinds, but i would throw up before i ate them myself.
and no chance that i would kiss him after he chowed down on a bag.
on the other hand, there are loads of muslims and jews who happily make the change. there are hindus and buddhists who grew up never letting beef pass their lips and now partake joyfully of in-and-out burger.
it’s up to you to feel the sense of possibility.
an indian woman friend, nilima, told me about this young jewish guy she was dating who was a terrible kisser. david would just grab her face and slobber all over it. it all felt very violent and unpleasant and she’d just about had enough.
nilima decided to break up with him and they were sitting around the kitchen chatting while in the back of her mind, she was weighing phrases like, “you’re great, but this isn’t really working,” etc.
and instead, out of her mouth popped, “what’s the deal with the kissing?”
and, even more shockingly, david said, “it’s terrible, isn’t it? what should i do?”
they launched into a big discussion of his romantic history (you have to learn how to kiss somewhere) and they finished by overhauling the entire interaction.
eventually, they had the happiest sex life you could possibly imagine. this is not to say they didn’t break up sooner or later, but they navigated a huge hurdle successfully. (one).
however, in their case, the big cultural divide was all about age requirements.
most people as they get older want to get serious. most younger people are so excited by the all the new toys that they still want to get out and play.
an instance where talk works. both players are self-aware and open to change. however, there is no rule.
remember the old proverbs, you can take a horse to water but you can’t teach him new tricks.
this is my big weakness.
i get totally irritated if my partner doesn't see my point of view. i might even make him feel like a total loser (not consciously, but that's one of the things i will burn in hell for).
learning and practicing the idea that you are not always right is a very useful skill. it's only just coming to me. and not all the time.
so - no matter how sexy and wild your intended seems to be - you don’t start a relationship hoping to civilize or enlighten someone.
because stuff changes, but the stuff you set out to change never does. (and, to be honest, if you could turn anyone into the ideal mate you’ve envisaged, you’d be so bored you’d dump him/her anyway.)
i’m not going to make any judgements on anyone’s choices and levels of discomfort. just be prepared that no one is completely a stereotype. (darn)
a list of assumptions i've heard:
french guy, laurent: “i’ve heard is that red-haired women smell like sour butter.”
australian shelley: “i would never even consider dating an aboriginal, they just live in a different world.”
british rebecca: “never, ever a pakistani boy. pakistanis were smelly, stank of curry and spices.”
sri lankan shanti: “white skin smells like raw meat.”
african-american judy: “vietnamese guys have angel hair down there!”
research in the field proves these assumptions false.
HA! you are about to find out the real deal.
HA again! stereotypes are based on some sort of reality. that latin guy may really be sensual and seductive beyond belief. your israeli girlfriend may really be a serious player, be careful.
on the other hand, no one is a cliche, no matter how hard they try. your new playmate is a three (or four, depending on how evolved they are) dimensional human being. there are some aspects that fit your preconceived notions and others that don’t.
the further sex advice: try to see the whole picture. if it pleases you to imagine your new asian girlfriend as a geisha girl or a gaugin painting, go for it, but don’t fool yourself that your vision is the reality.
if you get too stuck on the stereotype, you’re likely to freak out the other person.
a little objectification can be fun, too much feels psycho.
your woman might be willing to dress up like pocahontas or your guy do ricky martin, but probably not at your first romantic encounter.
and probably not at EVERY intimate encounter. in fact, he or she is likely to get insulted if you ask.
you might be thinking, “wait one minute, I AM the one who is getting treated like a cliche.” how do you get your partner to open his/her eyes? first of all, this assumes that there is some potential there and it’s worth the effort. you like him or her and you can see that once he or she gets past the “i dream of jeannie” thing, you could actually be friends.
again: TALK.
another friend of mine, a pakistani-american akbar, said that, in bed, his hindu girlfriend wanted him to recite urdu poetry and kept calling him, "my mughal prince." since akbar grew up in sacramento, his knowledge of urdu was sketchy at best, he hated bollywood movies as well as chick flicks, so the role play got old very fast.
(need i highlight the fact that they are both from relatively similar cultural backgrounds? or so it seems...)
in akbar’s case, he didn’t think it was worth the effort. that’s ok, too. he moved on and married an egyptian woman. i have no idea how they treat each other but he had actually lived in egypt.
if you do decide to put the time into it, you start by reminding your partner that you are just a normal person after all.
a gentle prompt in the direction of the fourth wall can help him or her see that you still have to put your pants on one leg at a time...
above all, don’t fall apart laughing when he or she says something ridiculous.
remember, people are very fragile when it comes to sexuality, be careful not to mortally wound the ego. (oh man, this is what i need to remember)
obviously, sticking with any sterotype limits the scope of the relationship. as in the case of the pakistani-american and the indian, it cost them the entire thing.
don’t forget that the real goal is human-to-human contact and love. you may not find your platonic ideal here, but if you’re lucky, this could be an instant of connecting your souls.
and isn’t that what it’s all about? (yes, and that fireworks explosion of nerve endings and muscle spasms).
so last night i was hanging out with a friend and she was saying, "you know, i'm getting some gray hairs on my cooch and i was wondering about that product."
what's so funny about that is that betty's biggest and most reliable consumerbase are women with graying "hair down there." older women are still in the dating market these days and if they are not doing brazilians, they are noticing that all your hair ages together.
so i told her what i told nancy and her husband andrew.
that is just silly.
because if, in the throes of procreation, you are worried about your new pal taking note of your gray hairs, you have a lot more to be worried about.
like the way society sees older women and sexuality. and the way we approach aging in general. and that is another story all together.
anyway, on to intimacy.
let me explain what i mean by “sex” here. i’m going wide. i mean intimacy in all its variations. i am not using the bill clinton definition. there are plenty of people who don’t believe in sex before marriage or at least until they feel really committed to someone.
and there are others to who see it as a prerequisite to a second date.
i'm not making any judgement on your choices in those matters, not least because people who live in glass houses shouldn’t cast the first stone - or any stones...
sex can be a first kiss, a make-out session, a grope. or the whole bang. and since it is a driving force for most animal life, it is rife with misconceptions and preconceptions – and this even before you consider the conception aspect.
admit it, you have heard all the stories about african-american guys being hung like horses, asian women being submissive, catholic girls being out of control, jewish guys analyzing everything.
first volatile situation.
it’s not what you expected. never is.
having dated all over the world – and had tons of friends unload their war stories – the sexpectations are half the battle. and also when things start to get a little weird.
for lots of second-generation asians, east and south (koreans, chinese, japanese, filipino, indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis, sri lankans – you know i mean YOU), we grew up with so much pressure to marry our own kind that the thought of dating one is just too intense.
so you see the euro-guy or girl as the sex object and the asian counterpart as the person you marry and have kids with.
or, you see the euro-type as the hottie, just like all the movies, and the asian version is your brother or sister or cousin-brother or cousin-sister and even envisioning sex with them feels like incest.
so for all the sisters who are fed up with their banana or coconut brothers – or all the asian guys who feel like they will never get the girl – don’t take it personally.
and for all those muslim girls who are still single because they believe they can only hook up with muslim guys - and muslim guys have the pick of christians, jews AND muslims so they are not showing up to "muslim dating events" - here's your opportunity.
get out there and realize that you will not be excommunicated if you don't win the aunty-lottery by marrying a nice pakistani banker. there ARE really great guys out there if you are willing to cross over.
and you don't have to dump the guy just 'cause he wants to hold hands in the movie theater (did you all read that article in the ny times sunday styles of the times?)
sex isn't bad and evil. it's a way to show love and affection.
and there are tons and tons of human beings out there who may be from an unexpected cultures, races, religions and age groups who may support you in whatever religious practice you choose as well as being worth falling in love with.
so don't give into the pressure!
on that note.
i have a cousin (abcd arif) who dated the daughter of one of his mom’s closest friends. they were both educated, uppermiddle class indian muslims who’d grown up in the u.s. and europe. they were also both very attractive and eligible.
so after about two dates, their moms were constantly on the phone with each other about the wedding. and any time the guy and girl had a fight, their moms would get in the middle and start trying to get them back together.
anyway, the pressure was so crushing that the relationship exploded. (the happy ending? the woman married a nice french guy, arif married a lovely british-dutch woman.)
this situation is not limited to second-generation asian-americans. we all saw “my big fat greek wedding,”right? being from an immigrant family, no matter what your economic or educational level, complicates the love story.
back to the sex. sleeping with the enemy is where it really gets exciting. if you are an indian muslim, or even more complicated, a pakistani, the indian hindu guy or girl might give you a frisson. you’ve heard that the girls are really wild.
and the guys – come on, it IS the birthplace of the kama sutra.
if you’re an indian woman, you’ve probably heard that pakistani guys tote big sticks. hindu guys think christian or anglo-indian girls are fast and easy, and muslim girls are fair flowers waiting to be plucked.
if you’re an arab guy, you think israeli girls have hot army-buff bodies. if you’re an israeli guy, you think the best thing about american girls is the blow job.
i have a tall, blond friend in berlin who tells me he has the body of an adonis and says that germans are secretly obsessed with dark- skinned women. (the horror the horror)
once a sikh cabdriver asked an indian-american guy friend – his passenger – whether it was really true about american women, “all that sucking and f--ing”? he wanted advice on how to convince his wife to experiment.
oral sex is a big divisive issue. for most of the world, certain parts of the body – like the peepee – are unclean. you do not put them anywhere near your mouth.
for the most part, you love it or you wouldn’t go near it with a ten-foot pole (assuming you have one).
let’s say you feel like it is fun and essential and your partner is going nowhere south - how do you deal?
or let’s say there’s ANYTHING that your partner isn’t doing that you would like him or her to. or the way you would like it.
step one, and this is surprisingly hard, you talk about it.
(AUGH! who doesn't tell you to do this?)
you say, “i’d love it if you could do this.” or you say, “i feel like i’m missing something...” the key is that you don’t make your partner feel bad about his/her taste, instead you allow him or her to rise to the situation.
step two: nothing doing. it freaks him or her out. now it’s time for tough love.
decide what you want and what you’re willing to put into it. maybe you see some potential in your partner as a long-term love. and people are willing to sacrifice a lot for love. (especially in the beginning when it is intensified by euphoria and lust).
maybe you can’t live without cetrain pleasures of the flesh. in which case, you walk.
my own feeling is, there are some things turn my stomach and try as i might, i will never be able to enjoy them.
as a muslim, i grew up not eating pig in any form.
to this day, i cannot bring myself to eat it.
it's like monkey brains or something.
even bits of bacon in singapore rice or whatever, i just see them and it grosses me out. i could be madly in love with an american southerner who lives for fried pork rinds, but i would throw up before i ate them myself.
and no chance that i would kiss him after he chowed down on a bag.
on the other hand, there are loads of muslims and jews who happily make the change. there are hindus and buddhists who grew up never letting beef pass their lips and now partake joyfully of in-and-out burger.
it’s up to you to feel the sense of possibility.
an indian woman friend, nilima, told me about this young jewish guy she was dating who was a terrible kisser. david would just grab her face and slobber all over it. it all felt very violent and unpleasant and she’d just about had enough.
nilima decided to break up with him and they were sitting around the kitchen chatting while in the back of her mind, she was weighing phrases like, “you’re great, but this isn’t really working,” etc.
and instead, out of her mouth popped, “what’s the deal with the kissing?”
and, even more shockingly, david said, “it’s terrible, isn’t it? what should i do?”
they launched into a big discussion of his romantic history (you have to learn how to kiss somewhere) and they finished by overhauling the entire interaction.
eventually, they had the happiest sex life you could possibly imagine. this is not to say they didn’t break up sooner or later, but they navigated a huge hurdle successfully. (one).
however, in their case, the big cultural divide was all about age requirements.
most people as they get older want to get serious. most younger people are so excited by the all the new toys that they still want to get out and play.
an instance where talk works. both players are self-aware and open to change. however, there is no rule.
remember the old proverbs, you can take a horse to water but you can’t teach him new tricks.
this is my big weakness.
i get totally irritated if my partner doesn't see my point of view. i might even make him feel like a total loser (not consciously, but that's one of the things i will burn in hell for).
learning and practicing the idea that you are not always right is a very useful skill. it's only just coming to me. and not all the time.
so - no matter how sexy and wild your intended seems to be - you don’t start a relationship hoping to civilize or enlighten someone.
because stuff changes, but the stuff you set out to change never does. (and, to be honest, if you could turn anyone into the ideal mate you’ve envisaged, you’d be so bored you’d dump him/her anyway.)
i’m not going to make any judgements on anyone’s choices and levels of discomfort. just be prepared that no one is completely a stereotype. (darn)
a list of assumptions i've heard:
french guy, laurent: “i’ve heard is that red-haired women smell like sour butter.”
australian shelley: “i would never even consider dating an aboriginal, they just live in a different world.”
british rebecca: “never, ever a pakistani boy. pakistanis were smelly, stank of curry and spices.”
sri lankan shanti: “white skin smells like raw meat.”
african-american judy: “vietnamese guys have angel hair down there!”
research in the field proves these assumptions false.
HA! you are about to find out the real deal.
HA again! stereotypes are based on some sort of reality. that latin guy may really be sensual and seductive beyond belief. your israeli girlfriend may really be a serious player, be careful.
on the other hand, no one is a cliche, no matter how hard they try. your new playmate is a three (or four, depending on how evolved they are) dimensional human being. there are some aspects that fit your preconceived notions and others that don’t.
the further sex advice: try to see the whole picture. if it pleases you to imagine your new asian girlfriend as a geisha girl or a gaugin painting, go for it, but don’t fool yourself that your vision is the reality.
if you get too stuck on the stereotype, you’re likely to freak out the other person.
a little objectification can be fun, too much feels psycho.
your woman might be willing to dress up like pocahontas or your guy do ricky martin, but probably not at your first romantic encounter.
and probably not at EVERY intimate encounter. in fact, he or she is likely to get insulted if you ask.
you might be thinking, “wait one minute, I AM the one who is getting treated like a cliche.” how do you get your partner to open his/her eyes? first of all, this assumes that there is some potential there and it’s worth the effort. you like him or her and you can see that once he or she gets past the “i dream of jeannie” thing, you could actually be friends.
again: TALK.
another friend of mine, a pakistani-american akbar, said that, in bed, his hindu girlfriend wanted him to recite urdu poetry and kept calling him, "my mughal prince." since akbar grew up in sacramento, his knowledge of urdu was sketchy at best, he hated bollywood movies as well as chick flicks, so the role play got old very fast.
(need i highlight the fact that they are both from relatively similar cultural backgrounds? or so it seems...)
in akbar’s case, he didn’t think it was worth the effort. that’s ok, too. he moved on and married an egyptian woman. i have no idea how they treat each other but he had actually lived in egypt.
if you do decide to put the time into it, you start by reminding your partner that you are just a normal person after all.
a gentle prompt in the direction of the fourth wall can help him or her see that you still have to put your pants on one leg at a time...
above all, don’t fall apart laughing when he or she says something ridiculous.
remember, people are very fragile when it comes to sexuality, be careful not to mortally wound the ego. (oh man, this is what i need to remember)
obviously, sticking with any sterotype limits the scope of the relationship. as in the case of the pakistani-american and the indian, it cost them the entire thing.
don’t forget that the real goal is human-to-human contact and love. you may not find your platonic ideal here, but if you’re lucky, this could be an instant of connecting your souls.
and isn’t that what it’s all about? (yes, and that fireworks explosion of nerve endings and muscle spasms).
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
ethnic ethics - some advice from the other side
ok, your first date.
your heart's racing. your face is flushed. the air is humming with electricity.
not the moment to search post-colonial history for the reason why that blond dutch boy knocks the wind out of you.
or why you, a young german guy, is attracted to a divorced jewish single mother.
you're just feeling it.
a crosscultural relationship sheds a bright light on your own identity and how you live with it, but when you're in the initial throes of lust, don't get all intellectual.
it will freak him/her out.
enjoy the sparks.
be careful making jokes. (but all weird and prissy and pc either as that can be equally off-putting.)
as the person in the match who is generally "the other" - the exotic indian pixie in the sea of big-boned rinso white girls - i have to beg you, please don’t use this as your chance to show how down you are with the people.
be who you are (unless you’re a recovering racist or bigot or something).
otherwise, it gets all weird and squirmy and if you are me, you just want to get out of there.
two real life complaints:
francesca (half-african-american and half-jewish-american who grew up in the manicured suburbs of connecticut), “why do white guys feel like they have to talk to me in ebonics? i’m fixin’ to buy me some chips – hello? you had an education and so did i.”
yasmine (jordanian), “i swear, if one more guy makes a joke about me coming out without my veil or getting a dowry of camels or buying me for an arranged marriage, i will throw my drink down his shirt.”
this might be an opportunity, if you ask nicely, to clear up your ridiculous cultural assumptions and ethnic confusion - but in my mind, that's still throwing up a wall between you and your intended.
this is the moment you realize how connected you are to someone who seems so far away.
body language
a statistic: men consistently read more (flirting and come-hither looks) into women’s facial and body language than women intend.
so guys - err on the side of caution, especially in the beginning. it may seem glaringly obvious that she wants to jump your bones while she might just be friendly.
or worse, just polite and not into you at all.
2nd - take note of the social bubble.
social bubble = how physically close you get the another person.
like a stranger giving you directions on the street in sao paolo, will get closer to you than a pal in arizona might.
a middle eastern guy might touch your shoulder when he passes you, might lean in closer or look you straight in the eyes. he might take up more space on the dinner table.
this doesn’t always mean he is about to propose.
on the flip side, a korean or a japanese might keep his or her things carefully away from yours, might never touch your hand or gaze longingly into your eyes. in the far east, people stand farther apart when talking. touch is a sign of deep intimacy.
the average american social bubble is about a foot, sometimes more in physically generous areas like california and new mexico. or in more in less demonstrative places like new england. it’s easy to misread physical distance for distaste.
in some cultures, looking someone in the eye is defiant, a sign of disrespect. in others, not looking the person in the eye is a sign of dishonesty.
while there is definitely a degree of universality in body language, your first impression might be misleading. take it slow, but enjoy the ride.
moving forwards - next obstacle – the pda.
public display of affection ranges from a touch on the hand to a lap-sitting snog. in a lot of the world, the pda is not looked well-upon.
in pakistan and india (where i was dating in my 20s), even a married couple wouldn’t kiss in public. in most of asia, kissing is a private act - not for a public space.
on this side of the world, the momentous kiss in the open (and on camera) is a crucial part of the american love story.
watch a bollywood film and it’s all about the hug.
in latin and african american cultures, physical expressions of affection are a sign of warmth and even a grandmother might give her husband a big kiss or a squeeze at a family gathering.
as an indian and a muslim (yes, there are exceptions), i feel uncomfortable holding hands with someone when i walk down the street. or making out in public - even when i was a teenager when it was all so exciting.
and sitting on anyone’s lap (including santa claus) makes me feel disrepected as well as exposed.
i've been married twice and i would never give my husband more than a peck in front of my parents. i'd certainly never kiss anyone i WASN'T married to.
so, if you lean in to kiss the person on the cheek when you meet and she or he steps back, or you offer your cheek and he or she doesn’t respond, don’t assume you have really bad breath.
on the other hand, if she or he kisses you immediately, or asks for a kiss – it doesn’t mean you’re in. she's just french.
the pivotal moment of the first date – or the first encounter, bumping into the person in barnes & noble or at a friend’s house – is the epiphany.
this is the moment when you realize you're lost.
before you do (oh, it’s probably too late, if you’re reading this), you should know that the road ahead is littered with landmines. first of all, sex - ha! you thought that would be the easy part!
introducing yourself to crosscultural dating exercises:
1. check out the online dating scene. not just one or two sites, but look at a whole bunch. browse the profiles, notice which people only want to meet people of their own ethnic group. notice who doesn’t.
2. tell your friends of different ethnicities or races to set you up. tell them you’ll go wide. talk to them about the real stuff you’re interested (someone who will go windsurfing with you). if you don’t have friends of another group, ask yourself why.
3. go to cultural events of another culture. the diwali celebration at a public space. an african-american history event. a chinese new year street fair in chinatown. even a friend’s niece’s bat mitzvah. pay attention to the fact that we all do the same stuff when we get together. pay attention to all the cool stuff that YOU never do. try some different kinds of foods, talk to people – if you're the only white guy at an indian wedding - they’ll all be interested in you just because you’re there.
4. go to ethnic movies. notice that iranian children are quite a lot like japanese children are quite a lot like french children. bring a friend who can explain cultural idioms. or better still, ask someone in the audience – it’s great conversation starter and they are already on comfortable ground.
5. post your profile on an online site or two but say that you want “activity partners” or “friends,” so there isn’t any pressure to hook up. check out unlikely places like jdate.com, shaadi.com and frenchfriendfinders.com.
6. be open.
7. have fun.
your heart's racing. your face is flushed. the air is humming with electricity.
not the moment to search post-colonial history for the reason why that blond dutch boy knocks the wind out of you.
or why you, a young german guy, is attracted to a divorced jewish single mother.
you're just feeling it.
a crosscultural relationship sheds a bright light on your own identity and how you live with it, but when you're in the initial throes of lust, don't get all intellectual.
it will freak him/her out.
enjoy the sparks.
be careful making jokes. (but all weird and prissy and pc either as that can be equally off-putting.)
as the person in the match who is generally "the other" - the exotic indian pixie in the sea of big-boned rinso white girls - i have to beg you, please don’t use this as your chance to show how down you are with the people.
be who you are (unless you’re a recovering racist or bigot or something).
otherwise, it gets all weird and squirmy and if you are me, you just want to get out of there.
two real life complaints:
francesca (half-african-american and half-jewish-american who grew up in the manicured suburbs of connecticut), “why do white guys feel like they have to talk to me in ebonics? i’m fixin’ to buy me some chips – hello? you had an education and so did i.”
yasmine (jordanian), “i swear, if one more guy makes a joke about me coming out without my veil or getting a dowry of camels or buying me for an arranged marriage, i will throw my drink down his shirt.”
this might be an opportunity, if you ask nicely, to clear up your ridiculous cultural assumptions and ethnic confusion - but in my mind, that's still throwing up a wall between you and your intended.
this is the moment you realize how connected you are to someone who seems so far away.
body language
a statistic: men consistently read more (flirting and come-hither looks) into women’s facial and body language than women intend.
so guys - err on the side of caution, especially in the beginning. it may seem glaringly obvious that she wants to jump your bones while she might just be friendly.
or worse, just polite and not into you at all.
2nd - take note of the social bubble.
social bubble = how physically close you get the another person.
like a stranger giving you directions on the street in sao paolo, will get closer to you than a pal in arizona might.
a middle eastern guy might touch your shoulder when he passes you, might lean in closer or look you straight in the eyes. he might take up more space on the dinner table.
this doesn’t always mean he is about to propose.
on the flip side, a korean or a japanese might keep his or her things carefully away from yours, might never touch your hand or gaze longingly into your eyes. in the far east, people stand farther apart when talking. touch is a sign of deep intimacy.
the average american social bubble is about a foot, sometimes more in physically generous areas like california and new mexico. or in more in less demonstrative places like new england. it’s easy to misread physical distance for distaste.
in some cultures, looking someone in the eye is defiant, a sign of disrespect. in others, not looking the person in the eye is a sign of dishonesty.
while there is definitely a degree of universality in body language, your first impression might be misleading. take it slow, but enjoy the ride.
moving forwards - next obstacle – the pda.
public display of affection ranges from a touch on the hand to a lap-sitting snog. in a lot of the world, the pda is not looked well-upon.
in pakistan and india (where i was dating in my 20s), even a married couple wouldn’t kiss in public. in most of asia, kissing is a private act - not for a public space.
on this side of the world, the momentous kiss in the open (and on camera) is a crucial part of the american love story.
watch a bollywood film and it’s all about the hug.
in latin and african american cultures, physical expressions of affection are a sign of warmth and even a grandmother might give her husband a big kiss or a squeeze at a family gathering.
as an indian and a muslim (yes, there are exceptions), i feel uncomfortable holding hands with someone when i walk down the street. or making out in public - even when i was a teenager when it was all so exciting.
and sitting on anyone’s lap (including santa claus) makes me feel disrepected as well as exposed.
i've been married twice and i would never give my husband more than a peck in front of my parents. i'd certainly never kiss anyone i WASN'T married to.
so, if you lean in to kiss the person on the cheek when you meet and she or he steps back, or you offer your cheek and he or she doesn’t respond, don’t assume you have really bad breath.
on the other hand, if she or he kisses you immediately, or asks for a kiss – it doesn’t mean you’re in. she's just french.
the pivotal moment of the first date – or the first encounter, bumping into the person in barnes & noble or at a friend’s house – is the epiphany.
this is the moment when you realize you're lost.
before you do (oh, it’s probably too late, if you’re reading this), you should know that the road ahead is littered with landmines. first of all, sex - ha! you thought that would be the easy part!
introducing yourself to crosscultural dating exercises:
1. check out the online dating scene. not just one or two sites, but look at a whole bunch. browse the profiles, notice which people only want to meet people of their own ethnic group. notice who doesn’t.
2. tell your friends of different ethnicities or races to set you up. tell them you’ll go wide. talk to them about the real stuff you’re interested (someone who will go windsurfing with you). if you don’t have friends of another group, ask yourself why.
3. go to cultural events of another culture. the diwali celebration at a public space. an african-american history event. a chinese new year street fair in chinatown. even a friend’s niece’s bat mitzvah. pay attention to the fact that we all do the same stuff when we get together. pay attention to all the cool stuff that YOU never do. try some different kinds of foods, talk to people – if you're the only white guy at an indian wedding - they’ll all be interested in you just because you’re there.
4. go to ethnic movies. notice that iranian children are quite a lot like japanese children are quite a lot like french children. bring a friend who can explain cultural idioms. or better still, ask someone in the audience – it’s great conversation starter and they are already on comfortable ground.
5. post your profile on an online site or two but say that you want “activity partners” or “friends,” so there isn’t any pressure to hook up. check out unlikely places like jdate.com, shaadi.com and frenchfriendfinders.com.
6. be open.
7. have fun.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
the end of the line or the discreet (muslim) divorce.
had coffee with a new friend - a muslim woman - who's been separated from her husband for the past few months.
she was ebullient, "i am so excited to meet you! i googled you about 10 months ago!"
me pleased: "why?"
she, "because you're the only muslim woman who's spoken about getting divorced online. and i really needed a support group!"
i was both surprised and horrified.
though i guess i shouldn't have been either.
how insane is that? islam was the first major religion to give women the right to divorce. we can demand that our husbands support us financially, take responsibility for their kids, please us in bed - or we can demand a divorce.
now we are pretending it doesn't happen?
or that it's dishonorable?
come on, catholics called us heathens, hindus called us barbarians - people CONVERTED TO ISLAM solely to have the right to dump their wives (sick as that is) - why can't we talk about it? it's a painful and unhappy situation and we have to pretend that we are not suffering.
muslim, indian, pakistani, arab women - apart from a handful of noisy ones: asra nomani, irshad manji, wafa sultan - are pretty discreet about those things. in fact, it's generally accepted that you DO NOT talk about the fact that you are divorced or separated or in the process in polite society.
when i told my mum that james and i were splitting up, her first reaction was, "oh no. what will i tell everyone?"
my mum was at an egyptian friend's house for dinner recently when a young woman came up to her and said, "you are so kind. you are such a kind mother."
and my mum said, "thanks so much, but what do you mean?"
and the woman said,"if i had been like your daughter, getting divorced twice, with three children from two husbands, my parents would have never let me back in the door! my father would have beaten me within an inch of my life."
all this was said with a laugh, but the stab-in-the-back and the implications are tragic.
my mum and dad still - when james (my exhusband) is at their house at christmas or thanksgiving or during the summer - introduce him to people as MY HUSBAND.
and when my brother and sister-in-law were getting married, we pretended we were still together until after the wedding to avoid upsetting all the relations.
and when i go to desi/south asian events, everyone still asks me, "what does your husband do?" before they ask what i do.
for a while, when i was still all mad about it, my answer was, "he does nothing for me. . . but he is a painter."
these days i see no reason in alienating the aunties, so i say," i don't have a husband. but i did."
anyway, it's about time muslim and south asian women (hindu, muslim, christian, buddhist jewish) start talking about stuff.
you lost your job, your husband/wife is having an affair, your son is addicted to heroin, your daughter's pregnant or she just didn't get into an ivy-college... you're getting divorced. tell people.
i mean, don't bore people at the buffet table or on the bus with depressing whining and complaining. but don't act like a right-wing christian about birth control.
it's real.
it's hard. it's sad.
it can be really difficult for your kids so make an effort to listen to them and let them talk if they want to.
but don't act like it's not there.
because then you isolate yourself and everyone else who could benefit from what you're learning.
n.b. if you are married to a muslim woman/man and you are not one - you may find this baffling. my suggestion would be to read a victorian novel in which appearances are everything.
you might suggest your soon-to-be ex-partner stop pretending. (this does NOT mean throwing scenes at parties). if you can - and quite often when one is getting divorced or splitting up, you can't - be gentle. this is almost impossible. especially when you've had enough of your in-laws.
i have to admit that james was fabulous with the pretending part of the ride. but he's english. discretion - or secrecy - comes naturally. he gets a medal for that.
if you are a muslim woman and you are "being discreet" because "it's not nice to talk about those things," you need to get over it and start TALKING! because it matters. and it matters to everyone.
aasiya khan, a bright,educated, young muslim woman and mother who worked for bridges tv was decapitated by her psychotic husband who had a history of abuse.
if there were other muslim/pakistani/indian women talking about it, she might have felt she had a voice. if she was talking to other people, they might have been able to get her some protection or get her husband locked up.
if you're a muslim woman in a strained relationship and you are not telling others about it - don't risk your children's or your own life - but remember that you are responsible for a lot of other people as well.
the saddest thing for me about it, on a purely selfish note, is that i read it and said, thank god, i didn't marry a muslim. or a pakistani.
this man's insane behaviour is being attributed to islam/arabs/south asians when it is purely psychotic. and inexcusable.
so start talking.
and sorry for getting all new-agey but
1. there are NO failures.
life is a learning experience. you fell in love with someone. it may not have worked forever - but it worked for a while. and wasn't it great while it did? you learned how to live with someone else.
and the detangling experience is a learning opportunity itself - what part of your relationship are you taking responsibility for? (remember you CHOSE it) how kind can you be when you are totally irritated? how do you learn to forgive someone?
oh wait - these questions are all for your shrink to work through with you!
2. we are ALL in this TOGETHER.
this doesn't just mean climate change. or the economy. it means ourselves as interconnected pieces of the human condition. the more we open up and allow other people to connect on an emotional level, the easier it is for everyone.
when you speak up, you are giving a gift to another human being.
look how thrilled my new friend was to find me!
she was ebullient, "i am so excited to meet you! i googled you about 10 months ago!"
me pleased: "why?"
she, "because you're the only muslim woman who's spoken about getting divorced online. and i really needed a support group!"
i was both surprised and horrified.
though i guess i shouldn't have been either.
how insane is that? islam was the first major religion to give women the right to divorce. we can demand that our husbands support us financially, take responsibility for their kids, please us in bed - or we can demand a divorce.
now we are pretending it doesn't happen?
or that it's dishonorable?
come on, catholics called us heathens, hindus called us barbarians - people CONVERTED TO ISLAM solely to have the right to dump their wives (sick as that is) - why can't we talk about it? it's a painful and unhappy situation and we have to pretend that we are not suffering.
muslim, indian, pakistani, arab women - apart from a handful of noisy ones: asra nomani, irshad manji, wafa sultan - are pretty discreet about those things. in fact, it's generally accepted that you DO NOT talk about the fact that you are divorced or separated or in the process in polite society.
when i told my mum that james and i were splitting up, her first reaction was, "oh no. what will i tell everyone?"
my mum was at an egyptian friend's house for dinner recently when a young woman came up to her and said, "you are so kind. you are such a kind mother."
and my mum said, "thanks so much, but what do you mean?"
and the woman said,"if i had been like your daughter, getting divorced twice, with three children from two husbands, my parents would have never let me back in the door! my father would have beaten me within an inch of my life."
all this was said with a laugh, but the stab-in-the-back and the implications are tragic.
my mum and dad still - when james (my exhusband) is at their house at christmas or thanksgiving or during the summer - introduce him to people as MY HUSBAND.
and when my brother and sister-in-law were getting married, we pretended we were still together until after the wedding to avoid upsetting all the relations.
and when i go to desi/south asian events, everyone still asks me, "what does your husband do?" before they ask what i do.
for a while, when i was still all mad about it, my answer was, "he does nothing for me. . . but he is a painter."
these days i see no reason in alienating the aunties, so i say," i don't have a husband. but i did."
anyway, it's about time muslim and south asian women (hindu, muslim, christian, buddhist jewish) start talking about stuff.
you lost your job, your husband/wife is having an affair, your son is addicted to heroin, your daughter's pregnant or she just didn't get into an ivy-college... you're getting divorced. tell people.
i mean, don't bore people at the buffet table or on the bus with depressing whining and complaining. but don't act like a right-wing christian about birth control.
it's real.
it's hard. it's sad.
it can be really difficult for your kids so make an effort to listen to them and let them talk if they want to.
but don't act like it's not there.
because then you isolate yourself and everyone else who could benefit from what you're learning.
n.b. if you are married to a muslim woman/man and you are not one - you may find this baffling. my suggestion would be to read a victorian novel in which appearances are everything.
you might suggest your soon-to-be ex-partner stop pretending. (this does NOT mean throwing scenes at parties). if you can - and quite often when one is getting divorced or splitting up, you can't - be gentle. this is almost impossible. especially when you've had enough of your in-laws.
i have to admit that james was fabulous with the pretending part of the ride. but he's english. discretion - or secrecy - comes naturally. he gets a medal for that.
if you are a muslim woman and you are "being discreet" because "it's not nice to talk about those things," you need to get over it and start TALKING! because it matters. and it matters to everyone.
aasiya khan, a bright,educated, young muslim woman and mother who worked for bridges tv was decapitated by her psychotic husband who had a history of abuse.
if there were other muslim/pakistani/indian women talking about it, she might have felt she had a voice. if she was talking to other people, they might have been able to get her some protection or get her husband locked up.
if you're a muslim woman in a strained relationship and you are not telling others about it - don't risk your children's or your own life - but remember that you are responsible for a lot of other people as well.
the saddest thing for me about it, on a purely selfish note, is that i read it and said, thank god, i didn't marry a muslim. or a pakistani.
this man's insane behaviour is being attributed to islam/arabs/south asians when it is purely psychotic. and inexcusable.
so start talking.
and sorry for getting all new-agey but
1. there are NO failures.
life is a learning experience. you fell in love with someone. it may not have worked forever - but it worked for a while. and wasn't it great while it did? you learned how to live with someone else.
and the detangling experience is a learning opportunity itself - what part of your relationship are you taking responsibility for? (remember you CHOSE it) how kind can you be when you are totally irritated? how do you learn to forgive someone?
oh wait - these questions are all for your shrink to work through with you!
2. we are ALL in this TOGETHER.
this doesn't just mean climate change. or the economy. it means ourselves as interconnected pieces of the human condition. the more we open up and allow other people to connect on an emotional level, the easier it is for everyone.
when you speak up, you are giving a gift to another human being.
look how thrilled my new friend was to find me!
Friday, February 20, 2009
love at first site or why you can't resist
you know you want him (or her).
i didn’t plan it this way. i put my picture up on the internet dating site, i specified ONLY muslim men of indian origin, 35-45, with a graduate degree and an yearly income over $250,000.
and i got a 27 year-old chinese-american biker. a vietnamese art director. a whole bunch of jewish-american lawyers. and a broke african-american bartender. (2 ex-husbands & 3 kids, why should i have been surprised that the people attracted to me were less traditional?)
but two of my friends with less-checkered backgrounds ended up with a 50 year-old italian filmmaker and a 60 year-old british rockstar with a bunch of kids...
in my case, the totally wrong one is always the one who sticks in my head. an italian accent dripping across the phone lines makes me melt. i love husky voice and brown skin. the darker the better.
so i go on the date just for a laugh, and he makes me laugh all the way through. or i can barely sit still for wanting to leap across the table...
let's say you (like my french ex-fiance henri) decided that he wanted a nice, french (protestant) girl and got waylaid by a gorgeous lebanese woman. and then a west indian goddess stopped him in his tracks.
(i maybe justifying here but even for an israeli-raised, new-york-resident guy of eastern european origin whose ideal woman is an israeli girl who grew up in new york city – can't guaratee he's met his match - the slightest differences can cause parallex error in their perspectives on the world.)
for me, in this benetton-mtv-cnn endlessly shrinking world, the bigger the difference the more the appeal.
i'm not going to lie to you.
well, i would but you'd see right through it.
even joseph conrad, back in the day, knew about the sexiness of the other side. reading cultural differences in body language. smelling it in the scent of their skin. and those long eyelashes...
an indian friend who is a superfamous writer and has been married about a million times to english and american women once said to me, (when i asked him why), “you fall in love with who you fall in love with, it’s not about the color of their skin.”
please. his last wife was indian, by the way.
everyone i know has fallen for the whole person. their culture, their religion, the color of their eyes and skin. how different they are from you as well as how much they are the same. at first glance, you have to be attracted to the outer package – because that is what you see.
and don’t say that looks aren’t important. (yes, there are people who are so deep that they can see past the first impression to the true beauty inside. i don't know that many, but i've heard.)
the majority of humanity is pleasantly superficial and unevolved. that's why advertising works so well. we are shallow.
in my mind, what’s wrong with decorative value? you’ve always liked japanese furniture and if you can find a piece that is both aesthetically pleasing and doesn’t break when you sit on it, does that make you shallow?
a quick digression - looks alone, however breathtaking, will not cut it in the long term.
no matter how irresistible your new love is, pretty is as pretty does (as they used to say in the victorian days).
the hottie gets tepid.
beauty gets boring fast if it doesn’t go much deeper.
as my british friend george used to say about her ex-boyfriend, “in the end, he was neither use nor ornament to me.”
STOP RIGHT HERE.
THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS TO STAY IN YOUR CLAN.
OR TRIBE. OR STRATUM OF SOCIETY.
the other side of the story is a person who knows exactly what he or she wants, or wants exactly what is expected of him or her, and never looks past that. (this is not me, obviously - but i know lots of people who do it really well)
years ago, i did a story on arranged marriage for a now-defunct magazine called Mademoiselle. leah is a pretty lubavitch woman who grew up on the upper east side of new york city and married the young man chosen for her by her family.
as far as i can tell, they were living in bliss in brooklyn.
she is smart and really funny so i had to ask her – wasn’t there a moment, even one, when she was out in the park with her girlfriends and she lusted after a latino guy on a bicycle? or the cute stockboy in the supermarket. when the hot rush of adolescent hormones washed over her - did she ever have a split second of transgression?
she said, no. (possibly lying, but it didn’t seem like it).
also, her daughter was bubbly and adorable and had never watched tv and was reading by the time she was two.
so much for sesame street. my kids did not read til kindergarten.
here are the points my parents like to work into conversations:
scientific studies prove that the more similar your social and economic background, the more likely a couple is to stay together.
that stupid statistic that if you're a woman and you haven’t gotten married by the time you’re 35, you will get hit by a bus or live out your life in tragic isolation - though with less stress and depression, greater expendable income and more day-to-day happiness.
as leah and most of my friends in india prove, the classic arranged marriage, which matches a man or woman with his/her socio-economic counterpart, tends to last.
so if you end up with your best friend from school and both sets of your parents were professionals and protestants and old family friends - congratulations!
you are more likely to stay married or coupled. gender and sexual orientation aside.
many people – myself amongst them, to the great embarrassment of my parents – find that uninspiring. (but a lot easier, i am told.)
STILL HERE?
congratulations! subversives are good for the genetic evolution of humanity. keep it going long enough and we may be able to end religious wars and racial strife all together.
finally, there is new evidence to suggest that the second most compelling factor in lasting marriages is shared personality traits. so if you’re both laid-back and chilled out, or you’re both type-A high achievers, you might be able to drag it out for decades. (assuming the type-As don’t spontaneously combust.)
my friend jane, a german-american woman, who’s been married for forty years to a greek-american man agrees. we were hanging out in the locker room to the pool and she explained that the secret to a long relationship is being the same kind of people. “we’re both artists and we’re both very calm people, we like a degree of comfort and stability, i think that was what brought us together even more than culture. i mean, he came from a culture that was very emotional and family-driven and i came from a very germanic, rational culture – but we’d both become independent.”
they got engaged on valentine’s day.
a good omen as you embark on this journey.
i didn’t plan it this way. i put my picture up on the internet dating site, i specified ONLY muslim men of indian origin, 35-45, with a graduate degree and an yearly income over $250,000.
and i got a 27 year-old chinese-american biker. a vietnamese art director. a whole bunch of jewish-american lawyers. and a broke african-american bartender. (2 ex-husbands & 3 kids, why should i have been surprised that the people attracted to me were less traditional?)
but two of my friends with less-checkered backgrounds ended up with a 50 year-old italian filmmaker and a 60 year-old british rockstar with a bunch of kids...
in my case, the totally wrong one is always the one who sticks in my head. an italian accent dripping across the phone lines makes me melt. i love husky voice and brown skin. the darker the better.
so i go on the date just for a laugh, and he makes me laugh all the way through. or i can barely sit still for wanting to leap across the table...
let's say you (like my french ex-fiance henri) decided that he wanted a nice, french (protestant) girl and got waylaid by a gorgeous lebanese woman. and then a west indian goddess stopped him in his tracks.
(i maybe justifying here but even for an israeli-raised, new-york-resident guy of eastern european origin whose ideal woman is an israeli girl who grew up in new york city – can't guaratee he's met his match - the slightest differences can cause parallex error in their perspectives on the world.)
for me, in this benetton-mtv-cnn endlessly shrinking world, the bigger the difference the more the appeal.
i'm not going to lie to you.
well, i would but you'd see right through it.
even joseph conrad, back in the day, knew about the sexiness of the other side. reading cultural differences in body language. smelling it in the scent of their skin. and those long eyelashes...
an indian friend who is a superfamous writer and has been married about a million times to english and american women once said to me, (when i asked him why), “you fall in love with who you fall in love with, it’s not about the color of their skin.”
please. his last wife was indian, by the way.
everyone i know has fallen for the whole person. their culture, their religion, the color of their eyes and skin. how different they are from you as well as how much they are the same. at first glance, you have to be attracted to the outer package – because that is what you see.
and don’t say that looks aren’t important. (yes, there are people who are so deep that they can see past the first impression to the true beauty inside. i don't know that many, but i've heard.)
the majority of humanity is pleasantly superficial and unevolved. that's why advertising works so well. we are shallow.
in my mind, what’s wrong with decorative value? you’ve always liked japanese furniture and if you can find a piece that is both aesthetically pleasing and doesn’t break when you sit on it, does that make you shallow?
a quick digression - looks alone, however breathtaking, will not cut it in the long term.
no matter how irresistible your new love is, pretty is as pretty does (as they used to say in the victorian days).
the hottie gets tepid.
beauty gets boring fast if it doesn’t go much deeper.
as my british friend george used to say about her ex-boyfriend, “in the end, he was neither use nor ornament to me.”
STOP RIGHT HERE.
THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS TO STAY IN YOUR CLAN.
OR TRIBE. OR STRATUM OF SOCIETY.
the other side of the story is a person who knows exactly what he or she wants, or wants exactly what is expected of him or her, and never looks past that. (this is not me, obviously - but i know lots of people who do it really well)
years ago, i did a story on arranged marriage for a now-defunct magazine called Mademoiselle. leah is a pretty lubavitch woman who grew up on the upper east side of new york city and married the young man chosen for her by her family.
as far as i can tell, they were living in bliss in brooklyn.
she is smart and really funny so i had to ask her – wasn’t there a moment, even one, when she was out in the park with her girlfriends and she lusted after a latino guy on a bicycle? or the cute stockboy in the supermarket. when the hot rush of adolescent hormones washed over her - did she ever have a split second of transgression?
she said, no. (possibly lying, but it didn’t seem like it).
also, her daughter was bubbly and adorable and had never watched tv and was reading by the time she was two.
so much for sesame street. my kids did not read til kindergarten.
here are the points my parents like to work into conversations:
scientific studies prove that the more similar your social and economic background, the more likely a couple is to stay together.
that stupid statistic that if you're a woman and you haven’t gotten married by the time you’re 35, you will get hit by a bus or live out your life in tragic isolation - though with less stress and depression, greater expendable income and more day-to-day happiness.
as leah and most of my friends in india prove, the classic arranged marriage, which matches a man or woman with his/her socio-economic counterpart, tends to last.
so if you end up with your best friend from school and both sets of your parents were professionals and protestants and old family friends - congratulations!
you are more likely to stay married or coupled. gender and sexual orientation aside.
many people – myself amongst them, to the great embarrassment of my parents – find that uninspiring. (but a lot easier, i am told.)
STILL HERE?
congratulations! subversives are good for the genetic evolution of humanity. keep it going long enough and we may be able to end religious wars and racial strife all together.
finally, there is new evidence to suggest that the second most compelling factor in lasting marriages is shared personality traits. so if you’re both laid-back and chilled out, or you’re both type-A high achievers, you might be able to drag it out for decades. (assuming the type-As don’t spontaneously combust.)
my friend jane, a german-american woman, who’s been married for forty years to a greek-american man agrees. we were hanging out in the locker room to the pool and she explained that the secret to a long relationship is being the same kind of people. “we’re both artists and we’re both very calm people, we like a degree of comfort and stability, i think that was what brought us together even more than culture. i mean, he came from a culture that was very emotional and family-driven and i came from a very germanic, rational culture – but we’d both become independent.”
they got engaged on valentine’s day.
a good omen as you embark on this journey.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sleeping with the Enemy or dating across cultures
this is a personal exploration of crossing over
half self-help. and half help-me-out.
10 years ago, i’d just gotten out of my second marriage but was still not ready to throw in the towel on romance.
the proactive solution was to expand my horizons. so i started on a dating trip across cultures, religions, generations and continents.
and of course, i was whining that nothing could possibly be harder than being a single south asian mother (with three kids) rejoining the meat market in new york city.
wrong. very few people have it easy.
imagine a pakistani gay man trying to find his soulmate without giving his grandfather a heart attack. a sweet vietnamese buddhist with a thing for israeli girls. or nice british lesbian hoping to settle down and have a family.
even dating as single mother puts you in a different place. all this time, you’ve been in mom-world. you start hanging out with a single man who has never been married or was married but never had kids and he takes awhile to realize why you’re wrecked by 9 o’clock. or why you can’t run out and meet him and his friends in the restaurant down the road on the spur of the moment. (hello? the home-alone-kids...)
or even weirder, explaining why facing the disapproval of your kids is even harder than facing the disapproval of your parents when you’re a teenager.
all that later. this is a map from someone who’s been there (at least heterosexually). though, in my mind, it’s all the same.
the idea is a connect-the-dots trip through the key relationship destroying points for you and your significant other. or your s-o to be. the final result should be, at the very least, a happy ending.
here's the premise (or the first one): there is no such thing as a failed relationship.
human beings learn and grow from their deeper connections with others. the farther away another person is from where you grew up, the more you stand to learn from him. or her.
statistically, unions between people of similar backgrounds last longer. however, i’m not convinced that the length of a marriage is a measurement of its success. on the other hand, a relationship in all its permutations, that continues on with two people respecting each other, is probably the best happy ending.
you know that sixties command, “make love, not war”? that’s where the personal gets political.
want to understand the inner workings of a communist, a southern baptist, a muslim, a jew, a midwesterner, a pentacostal? marry one. (oh no, wait – maybe that’s where the “war” part comes in...)
better still, date one. have someone you think you couldn’t possibly relate to as your best friend. suddenly, the gaping cracks in empathy come together.
if all that seems too ambitious, here’s another thought: if you are even thinking of hooking up with anyone else – you are crossing cultures - whether they are from another ethnicity, religion, country, or even gender.
the fact is, even growing up in a different family makes your cultural references alien. forget about the color of your skin or what you call god. or GOD.
the only way to guarantee you’re on the same page culturally is to marry your own sibling. maybe even the same sex sibling.
repulsive as that thought is, it could be the only way to never have arguments about the correct way to react, celebrate, spend your money, spend time with your family or worship.
oh, there’s one other way – stay alone.
scratch that. if we could really be happy, autonomous and single that would mean we were amoebas. and what is the happiness capacity for amoebas?
i’ve been deconstructing the idea of the crosscultural relationship since attending a literary event in with my youngest daughter and my then british husband. an elderly indian woman came up to me and said, “you know, i also have a mixed marriage.”
and i said, “really? is your husband european?”
the poor woman looked totally aghast and said, “oh, no. i mean, i am from north india and he is from south.”
half self-help. and half help-me-out.
10 years ago, i’d just gotten out of my second marriage but was still not ready to throw in the towel on romance.
the proactive solution was to expand my horizons. so i started on a dating trip across cultures, religions, generations and continents.
and of course, i was whining that nothing could possibly be harder than being a single south asian mother (with three kids) rejoining the meat market in new york city.
wrong. very few people have it easy.
imagine a pakistani gay man trying to find his soulmate without giving his grandfather a heart attack. a sweet vietnamese buddhist with a thing for israeli girls. or nice british lesbian hoping to settle down and have a family.
even dating as single mother puts you in a different place. all this time, you’ve been in mom-world. you start hanging out with a single man who has never been married or was married but never had kids and he takes awhile to realize why you’re wrecked by 9 o’clock. or why you can’t run out and meet him and his friends in the restaurant down the road on the spur of the moment. (hello? the home-alone-kids...)
or even weirder, explaining why facing the disapproval of your kids is even harder than facing the disapproval of your parents when you’re a teenager.
all that later. this is a map from someone who’s been there (at least heterosexually). though, in my mind, it’s all the same.
the idea is a connect-the-dots trip through the key relationship destroying points for you and your significant other. or your s-o to be. the final result should be, at the very least, a happy ending.
here's the premise (or the first one): there is no such thing as a failed relationship.
human beings learn and grow from their deeper connections with others. the farther away another person is from where you grew up, the more you stand to learn from him. or her.
statistically, unions between people of similar backgrounds last longer. however, i’m not convinced that the length of a marriage is a measurement of its success. on the other hand, a relationship in all its permutations, that continues on with two people respecting each other, is probably the best happy ending.
you know that sixties command, “make love, not war”? that’s where the personal gets political.
want to understand the inner workings of a communist, a southern baptist, a muslim, a jew, a midwesterner, a pentacostal? marry one. (oh no, wait – maybe that’s where the “war” part comes in...)
better still, date one. have someone you think you couldn’t possibly relate to as your best friend. suddenly, the gaping cracks in empathy come together.
if all that seems too ambitious, here’s another thought: if you are even thinking of hooking up with anyone else – you are crossing cultures - whether they are from another ethnicity, religion, country, or even gender.
the fact is, even growing up in a different family makes your cultural references alien. forget about the color of your skin or what you call god. or GOD.
the only way to guarantee you’re on the same page culturally is to marry your own sibling. maybe even the same sex sibling.
repulsive as that thought is, it could be the only way to never have arguments about the correct way to react, celebrate, spend your money, spend time with your family or worship.
oh, there’s one other way – stay alone.
scratch that. if we could really be happy, autonomous and single that would mean we were amoebas. and what is the happiness capacity for amoebas?
i’ve been deconstructing the idea of the crosscultural relationship since attending a literary event in with my youngest daughter and my then british husband. an elderly indian woman came up to me and said, “you know, i also have a mixed marriage.”
and i said, “really? is your husband european?”
the poor woman looked totally aghast and said, “oh, no. i mean, i am from north india and he is from south.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
