i am pleased to say i recently went on a date with the cutest 29 year-old with big brown eyes and long, long lashes that would make butterflies weep.
we met online and started a flip-flirtation on ichat.
much as i enjoyed his playful nature, i couldn't help myself from pointing out, "this is fun but really you should be calling me auntie."
to which he kindly responded, "DUDE, i read your profile thoroughly! i know you've got three kids and i know how old you are."
anyway, we met up for brunch.
brunch? as you get older your wrinkles get worse as they day progresses. in the morning, just after a shower, i look fresh and rosy. and morning sunlight is so sweet and optimistic.
also, with 3 teenagers who all require picking up and dropping off on weekend evenings it is almost impossible for me to go out in the evening. the last time i tried to do something, james told sasha (then-15 and in a miniskirt) to take a cab home from a party on the westside highway and 27th st because he was already getting into bed.
then again, semi-darkness can hide a multitude of flaws especially with some good concealer...
needless to say, you've got to have an exceptional spark to do the legwork (i know, at my tired old age) to make it work across the age borders - and we didn't set off fireworks - though i was thrilled to discover he was a lovely, caring person.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
reading the signs
another hard lesson.
oh maybe not, because it's something i've tried to do before and i didn't learn then.
the difficulties of trying to do business with an ex. or a current.
i read an article somewhere about the effects of love/sex on the female brain. and women trust men they sleep with - or are romantically involved with.
and even years later, it can be hard to separate what you want to believe "seeing the best in a person" and what the rest of the world is telling you.
so, yet again, i tried to collaborate with a once-romantic partner.
and one after the other, every project i put him on to collapsed. and one after the other, clients didn't like him, found him too tightly-wound, too aggressive and too confrontational.
or they simply disappeared.
and i kept putting it down to the changing economy, his learning a new paradigm - working in the beauty/fashion industry - rather than the boy-power world of business.
and then - as the economy got worse - he turned his gaze on me
and started blaming my communication style for breakdowns, my informal work style as disrespectful and the main obstacle to our success.
it is true that i have the attention span of a flea, very little patience and a sudden and short temper. though my miniscule attention span means that i've forgotten it pretty fast too.
the fact that i am generally operating as a creative or a strategist in an industry that requires immediate and complete immersion one minute and a 360 change of direction the next, my sprinter's style works well.
he comes from a world of suits, long-drawn-out power negotiations, conference calls, and constant meetings. his work is less the business of "making things" and more that of creating a setting.
in any case, cross-cultural misfire.
and - i've seen it again and again - husband-and-wife start-ups, boyfriend-and-girlfriend fashion lines, girlfriend-and-girlfriend handbags collections. they all almost all fall apart.
(with a few exceptions - inez and vinoodh, my brother's friends james and nora lee ... can't think of more off the top of my head. except for gay men. they seem to have seamlessly pulled off the dissolution of the relationship without the dissolution of the business. maybe it's a guy thing. haven't learned it)
so my advice - if you insist on trying to work with a romantic partner or spouse - or an ex:
draw up a legal document. this may be more important than a pre-nup.
figure out what you expect from each other.
how much you are each investing and what qualifies as an investment.
what your responsibilites are
how you will dissolve the partnership
you should do this while you are still jolly and excited about the possibilities. then you tend to be more open to each other's points of view. and more generous.
i suppose the writing should have been on the wall when my "friend" became completely angry and defensive and refused to even consider such a thing...
anyway, in this case, your ethnicity only matters in that, as "good" asian women, we're willing to take the blame.
that may be the case for almost all women who've been brought up to be "nice" at the expense of all else...
oh maybe not, because it's something i've tried to do before and i didn't learn then.
the difficulties of trying to do business with an ex. or a current.
i read an article somewhere about the effects of love/sex on the female brain. and women trust men they sleep with - or are romantically involved with.
and even years later, it can be hard to separate what you want to believe "seeing the best in a person" and what the rest of the world is telling you.
so, yet again, i tried to collaborate with a once-romantic partner.
and one after the other, every project i put him on to collapsed. and one after the other, clients didn't like him, found him too tightly-wound, too aggressive and too confrontational.
or they simply disappeared.
and i kept putting it down to the changing economy, his learning a new paradigm - working in the beauty/fashion industry - rather than the boy-power world of business.
and then - as the economy got worse - he turned his gaze on me
and started blaming my communication style for breakdowns, my informal work style as disrespectful and the main obstacle to our success.
it is true that i have the attention span of a flea, very little patience and a sudden and short temper. though my miniscule attention span means that i've forgotten it pretty fast too.
the fact that i am generally operating as a creative or a strategist in an industry that requires immediate and complete immersion one minute and a 360 change of direction the next, my sprinter's style works well.
he comes from a world of suits, long-drawn-out power negotiations, conference calls, and constant meetings. his work is less the business of "making things" and more that of creating a setting.
in any case, cross-cultural misfire.
and - i've seen it again and again - husband-and-wife start-ups, boyfriend-and-girlfriend fashion lines, girlfriend-and-girlfriend handbags collections. they all almost all fall apart.
(with a few exceptions - inez and vinoodh, my brother's friends james and nora lee ... can't think of more off the top of my head. except for gay men. they seem to have seamlessly pulled off the dissolution of the relationship without the dissolution of the business. maybe it's a guy thing. haven't learned it)
so my advice - if you insist on trying to work with a romantic partner or spouse - or an ex:
draw up a legal document. this may be more important than a pre-nup.
figure out what you expect from each other.
how much you are each investing and what qualifies as an investment.
what your responsibilites are
how you will dissolve the partnership
you should do this while you are still jolly and excited about the possibilities. then you tend to be more open to each other's points of view. and more generous.
i suppose the writing should have been on the wall when my "friend" became completely angry and defensive and refused to even consider such a thing...
anyway, in this case, your ethnicity only matters in that, as "good" asian women, we're willing to take the blame.
that may be the case for almost all women who've been brought up to be "nice" at the expense of all else...
Monday, March 23, 2009
rules of the game or sexercises
i'm breaking this up because this is important.
i don't want you to just skip over this stuff.
BEFORE you leap into bed with your new ethnic hottie -
1. be honest with yourself – what’s your secret, private view of the “other” person. what is exciting about it? what is weird? do you hate uncircumsized penises? do piercings make you squeamish?
2. more honesty: what are you willing to do? what stereotypes are you willing to give up?
3. talk about it. not about how hot and sexy you are or someone else is. not about how desperate you are to have sex with someone. but honestly, with your partner. it usually is easier to do when you are not about to have sex. talk about it when you are both in the car and can look out the window when it’s too awkward to catch each other’s gaze.
this is also a good moment to talk about stds. especially the incurable and/or fatal variety.
and while you're here, you might as well get the condom question out in the open.
even if this is your wedding night.
4. NEXT - talk about it with your close friends if it doesn’t embarass you to death. get a sense of how human you are. trade some stories. this is not an opportunity to make stuff up to impress your homies. this is a chance to connect in a safe space.
5. also essential - exercise. eat healthy food. get enough sleep. don’t smoke. your body really is your temple. live in it. be good to your body and it will be good to you. and to others.
sex is always better when you are healthier.
(not convinced? they say women who do pilates and yoga have better orgasms. just a thought.)
i don't want you to just skip over this stuff.
BEFORE you leap into bed with your new ethnic hottie -
1. be honest with yourself – what’s your secret, private view of the “other” person. what is exciting about it? what is weird? do you hate uncircumsized penises? do piercings make you squeamish?
2. more honesty: what are you willing to do? what stereotypes are you willing to give up?
3. talk about it. not about how hot and sexy you are or someone else is. not about how desperate you are to have sex with someone. but honestly, with your partner. it usually is easier to do when you are not about to have sex. talk about it when you are both in the car and can look out the window when it’s too awkward to catch each other’s gaze.
this is also a good moment to talk about stds. especially the incurable and/or fatal variety.
and while you're here, you might as well get the condom question out in the open.
even if this is your wedding night.
4. NEXT - talk about it with your close friends if it doesn’t embarass you to death. get a sense of how human you are. trade some stories. this is not an opportunity to make stuff up to impress your homies. this is a chance to connect in a safe space.
5. also essential - exercise. eat healthy food. get enough sleep. don’t smoke. your body really is your temple. live in it. be good to your body and it will be good to you. and to others.
sex is always better when you are healthier.
(not convinced? they say women who do pilates and yoga have better orgasms. just a thought.)
Sunday, March 22, 2009
high-risk activity or sexploitation
a couple of years ago, i worked for a woman called nancy jarecki branding, strategizing and creating a product called, "BETTY: color for the hair down there." it was an instant sensation - though i'm not sure it's not a one-off product. a cute novelty but not a mainstay.
so last night i was hanging out with a friend and she was saying, "you know, i'm getting some gray hairs on my cooch and i was wondering about that product."
what's so funny about that is that betty's biggest and most reliable consumerbase are women with graying "hair down there." older women are still in the dating market these days and if they are not doing brazilians, they are noticing that all your hair ages together.
so i told her what i told nancy and her husband andrew.
that is just silly.
because if, in the throes of procreation, you are worried about your new pal taking note of your gray hairs, you have a lot more to be worried about.
like the way society sees older women and sexuality. and the way we approach aging in general. and that is another story all together.
anyway, on to intimacy.
let me explain what i mean by “sex” here. i’m going wide. i mean intimacy in all its variations. i am not using the bill clinton definition. there are plenty of people who don’t believe in sex before marriage or at least until they feel really committed to someone.
and there are others to who see it as a prerequisite to a second date.
i'm not making any judgement on your choices in those matters, not least because people who live in glass houses shouldn’t cast the first stone - or any stones...
sex can be a first kiss, a make-out session, a grope. or the whole bang. and since it is a driving force for most animal life, it is rife with misconceptions and preconceptions – and this even before you consider the conception aspect.
admit it, you have heard all the stories about african-american guys being hung like horses, asian women being submissive, catholic girls being out of control, jewish guys analyzing everything.
first volatile situation.
it’s not what you expected. never is.
having dated all over the world – and had tons of friends unload their war stories – the sexpectations are half the battle. and also when things start to get a little weird.
for lots of second-generation asians, east and south (koreans, chinese, japanese, filipino, indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis, sri lankans – you know i mean YOU), we grew up with so much pressure to marry our own kind that the thought of dating one is just too intense.
so you see the euro-guy or girl as the sex object and the asian counterpart as the person you marry and have kids with.
or, you see the euro-type as the hottie, just like all the movies, and the asian version is your brother or sister or cousin-brother or cousin-sister and even envisioning sex with them feels like incest.
so for all the sisters who are fed up with their banana or coconut brothers – or all the asian guys who feel like they will never get the girl – don’t take it personally.
and for all those muslim girls who are still single because they believe they can only hook up with muslim guys - and muslim guys have the pick of christians, jews AND muslims so they are not showing up to "muslim dating events" - here's your opportunity.
get out there and realize that you will not be excommunicated if you don't win the aunty-lottery by marrying a nice pakistani banker. there ARE really great guys out there if you are willing to cross over.
and you don't have to dump the guy just 'cause he wants to hold hands in the movie theater (did you all read that article in the ny times sunday styles of the times?)
sex isn't bad and evil. it's a way to show love and affection.
and there are tons and tons of human beings out there who may be from an unexpected cultures, races, religions and age groups who may support you in whatever religious practice you choose as well as being worth falling in love with.
so don't give into the pressure!
on that note.
i have a cousin (abcd arif) who dated the daughter of one of his mom’s closest friends. they were both educated, uppermiddle class indian muslims who’d grown up in the u.s. and europe. they were also both very attractive and eligible.
so after about two dates, their moms were constantly on the phone with each other about the wedding. and any time the guy and girl had a fight, their moms would get in the middle and start trying to get them back together.
anyway, the pressure was so crushing that the relationship exploded. (the happy ending? the woman married a nice french guy, arif married a lovely british-dutch woman.)
this situation is not limited to second-generation asian-americans. we all saw “my big fat greek wedding,”right? being from an immigrant family, no matter what your economic or educational level, complicates the love story.
back to the sex. sleeping with the enemy is where it really gets exciting. if you are an indian muslim, or even more complicated, a pakistani, the indian hindu guy or girl might give you a frisson. you’ve heard that the girls are really wild.
and the guys – come on, it IS the birthplace of the kama sutra.
if you’re an indian woman, you’ve probably heard that pakistani guys tote big sticks. hindu guys think christian or anglo-indian girls are fast and easy, and muslim girls are fair flowers waiting to be plucked.
if you’re an arab guy, you think israeli girls have hot army-buff bodies. if you’re an israeli guy, you think the best thing about american girls is the blow job.
i have a tall, blond friend in berlin who tells me he has the body of an adonis and says that germans are secretly obsessed with dark- skinned women. (the horror the horror)
once a sikh cabdriver asked an indian-american guy friend – his passenger – whether it was really true about american women, “all that sucking and f--ing”? he wanted advice on how to convince his wife to experiment.
oral sex is a big divisive issue. for most of the world, certain parts of the body – like the peepee – are unclean. you do not put them anywhere near your mouth.
for the most part, you love it or you wouldn’t go near it with a ten-foot pole (assuming you have one).
let’s say you feel like it is fun and essential and your partner is going nowhere south - how do you deal?
or let’s say there’s ANYTHING that your partner isn’t doing that you would like him or her to. or the way you would like it.
step one, and this is surprisingly hard, you talk about it.
(AUGH! who doesn't tell you to do this?)
you say, “i’d love it if you could do this.” or you say, “i feel like i’m missing something...” the key is that you don’t make your partner feel bad about his/her taste, instead you allow him or her to rise to the situation.
step two: nothing doing. it freaks him or her out. now it’s time for tough love.
decide what you want and what you’re willing to put into it. maybe you see some potential in your partner as a long-term love. and people are willing to sacrifice a lot for love. (especially in the beginning when it is intensified by euphoria and lust).
maybe you can’t live without cetrain pleasures of the flesh. in which case, you walk.
my own feeling is, there are some things turn my stomach and try as i might, i will never be able to enjoy them.
as a muslim, i grew up not eating pig in any form.
to this day, i cannot bring myself to eat it.
it's like monkey brains or something.
even bits of bacon in singapore rice or whatever, i just see them and it grosses me out. i could be madly in love with an american southerner who lives for fried pork rinds, but i would throw up before i ate them myself.
and no chance that i would kiss him after he chowed down on a bag.
on the other hand, there are loads of muslims and jews who happily make the change. there are hindus and buddhists who grew up never letting beef pass their lips and now partake joyfully of in-and-out burger.
it’s up to you to feel the sense of possibility.
an indian woman friend, nilima, told me about this young jewish guy she was dating who was a terrible kisser. david would just grab her face and slobber all over it. it all felt very violent and unpleasant and she’d just about had enough.
nilima decided to break up with him and they were sitting around the kitchen chatting while in the back of her mind, she was weighing phrases like, “you’re great, but this isn’t really working,” etc.
and instead, out of her mouth popped, “what’s the deal with the kissing?”
and, even more shockingly, david said, “it’s terrible, isn’t it? what should i do?”
they launched into a big discussion of his romantic history (you have to learn how to kiss somewhere) and they finished by overhauling the entire interaction.
eventually, they had the happiest sex life you could possibly imagine. this is not to say they didn’t break up sooner or later, but they navigated a huge hurdle successfully. (one).
however, in their case, the big cultural divide was all about age requirements.
most people as they get older want to get serious. most younger people are so excited by the all the new toys that they still want to get out and play.
an instance where talk works. both players are self-aware and open to change. however, there is no rule.
remember the old proverbs, you can take a horse to water but you can’t teach him new tricks.
this is my big weakness.
i get totally irritated if my partner doesn't see my point of view. i might even make him feel like a total loser (not consciously, but that's one of the things i will burn in hell for).
learning and practicing the idea that you are not always right is a very useful skill. it's only just coming to me. and not all the time.
so - no matter how sexy and wild your intended seems to be - you don’t start a relationship hoping to civilize or enlighten someone.
because stuff changes, but the stuff you set out to change never does. (and, to be honest, if you could turn anyone into the ideal mate you’ve envisaged, you’d be so bored you’d dump him/her anyway.)
i’m not going to make any judgements on anyone’s choices and levels of discomfort. just be prepared that no one is completely a stereotype. (darn)
a list of assumptions i've heard:
french guy, laurent: “i’ve heard is that red-haired women smell like sour butter.”
australian shelley: “i would never even consider dating an aboriginal, they just live in a different world.”
british rebecca: “never, ever a pakistani boy. pakistanis were smelly, stank of curry and spices.”
sri lankan shanti: “white skin smells like raw meat.”
african-american judy: “vietnamese guys have angel hair down there!”
research in the field proves these assumptions false.
HA! you are about to find out the real deal.
HA again! stereotypes are based on some sort of reality. that latin guy may really be sensual and seductive beyond belief. your israeli girlfriend may really be a serious player, be careful.
on the other hand, no one is a cliche, no matter how hard they try. your new playmate is a three (or four, depending on how evolved they are) dimensional human being. there are some aspects that fit your preconceived notions and others that don’t.
the further sex advice: try to see the whole picture. if it pleases you to imagine your new asian girlfriend as a geisha girl or a gaugin painting, go for it, but don’t fool yourself that your vision is the reality.
if you get too stuck on the stereotype, you’re likely to freak out the other person.
a little objectification can be fun, too much feels psycho.
your woman might be willing to dress up like pocahontas or your guy do ricky martin, but probably not at your first romantic encounter.
and probably not at EVERY intimate encounter. in fact, he or she is likely to get insulted if you ask.
you might be thinking, “wait one minute, I AM the one who is getting treated like a cliche.” how do you get your partner to open his/her eyes? first of all, this assumes that there is some potential there and it’s worth the effort. you like him or her and you can see that once he or she gets past the “i dream of jeannie” thing, you could actually be friends.
again: TALK.
another friend of mine, a pakistani-american akbar, said that, in bed, his hindu girlfriend wanted him to recite urdu poetry and kept calling him, "my mughal prince." since akbar grew up in sacramento, his knowledge of urdu was sketchy at best, he hated bollywood movies as well as chick flicks, so the role play got old very fast.
(need i highlight the fact that they are both from relatively similar cultural backgrounds? or so it seems...)
in akbar’s case, he didn’t think it was worth the effort. that’s ok, too. he moved on and married an egyptian woman. i have no idea how they treat each other but he had actually lived in egypt.
if you do decide to put the time into it, you start by reminding your partner that you are just a normal person after all.
a gentle prompt in the direction of the fourth wall can help him or her see that you still have to put your pants on one leg at a time...
above all, don’t fall apart laughing when he or she says something ridiculous.
remember, people are very fragile when it comes to sexuality, be careful not to mortally wound the ego. (oh man, this is what i need to remember)
obviously, sticking with any sterotype limits the scope of the relationship. as in the case of the pakistani-american and the indian, it cost them the entire thing.
don’t forget that the real goal is human-to-human contact and love. you may not find your platonic ideal here, but if you’re lucky, this could be an instant of connecting your souls.
and isn’t that what it’s all about? (yes, and that fireworks explosion of nerve endings and muscle spasms).
so last night i was hanging out with a friend and she was saying, "you know, i'm getting some gray hairs on my cooch and i was wondering about that product."
what's so funny about that is that betty's biggest and most reliable consumerbase are women with graying "hair down there." older women are still in the dating market these days and if they are not doing brazilians, they are noticing that all your hair ages together.
so i told her what i told nancy and her husband andrew.
that is just silly.
because if, in the throes of procreation, you are worried about your new pal taking note of your gray hairs, you have a lot more to be worried about.
like the way society sees older women and sexuality. and the way we approach aging in general. and that is another story all together.
anyway, on to intimacy.
let me explain what i mean by “sex” here. i’m going wide. i mean intimacy in all its variations. i am not using the bill clinton definition. there are plenty of people who don’t believe in sex before marriage or at least until they feel really committed to someone.
and there are others to who see it as a prerequisite to a second date.
i'm not making any judgement on your choices in those matters, not least because people who live in glass houses shouldn’t cast the first stone - or any stones...
sex can be a first kiss, a make-out session, a grope. or the whole bang. and since it is a driving force for most animal life, it is rife with misconceptions and preconceptions – and this even before you consider the conception aspect.
admit it, you have heard all the stories about african-american guys being hung like horses, asian women being submissive, catholic girls being out of control, jewish guys analyzing everything.
first volatile situation.
it’s not what you expected. never is.
having dated all over the world – and had tons of friends unload their war stories – the sexpectations are half the battle. and also when things start to get a little weird.
for lots of second-generation asians, east and south (koreans, chinese, japanese, filipino, indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis, sri lankans – you know i mean YOU), we grew up with so much pressure to marry our own kind that the thought of dating one is just too intense.
so you see the euro-guy or girl as the sex object and the asian counterpart as the person you marry and have kids with.
or, you see the euro-type as the hottie, just like all the movies, and the asian version is your brother or sister or cousin-brother or cousin-sister and even envisioning sex with them feels like incest.
so for all the sisters who are fed up with their banana or coconut brothers – or all the asian guys who feel like they will never get the girl – don’t take it personally.
and for all those muslim girls who are still single because they believe they can only hook up with muslim guys - and muslim guys have the pick of christians, jews AND muslims so they are not showing up to "muslim dating events" - here's your opportunity.
get out there and realize that you will not be excommunicated if you don't win the aunty-lottery by marrying a nice pakistani banker. there ARE really great guys out there if you are willing to cross over.
and you don't have to dump the guy just 'cause he wants to hold hands in the movie theater (did you all read that article in the ny times sunday styles of the times?)
sex isn't bad and evil. it's a way to show love and affection.
and there are tons and tons of human beings out there who may be from an unexpected cultures, races, religions and age groups who may support you in whatever religious practice you choose as well as being worth falling in love with.
so don't give into the pressure!
on that note.
i have a cousin (abcd arif) who dated the daughter of one of his mom’s closest friends. they were both educated, uppermiddle class indian muslims who’d grown up in the u.s. and europe. they were also both very attractive and eligible.
so after about two dates, their moms were constantly on the phone with each other about the wedding. and any time the guy and girl had a fight, their moms would get in the middle and start trying to get them back together.
anyway, the pressure was so crushing that the relationship exploded. (the happy ending? the woman married a nice french guy, arif married a lovely british-dutch woman.)
this situation is not limited to second-generation asian-americans. we all saw “my big fat greek wedding,”right? being from an immigrant family, no matter what your economic or educational level, complicates the love story.
back to the sex. sleeping with the enemy is where it really gets exciting. if you are an indian muslim, or even more complicated, a pakistani, the indian hindu guy or girl might give you a frisson. you’ve heard that the girls are really wild.
and the guys – come on, it IS the birthplace of the kama sutra.
if you’re an indian woman, you’ve probably heard that pakistani guys tote big sticks. hindu guys think christian or anglo-indian girls are fast and easy, and muslim girls are fair flowers waiting to be plucked.
if you’re an arab guy, you think israeli girls have hot army-buff bodies. if you’re an israeli guy, you think the best thing about american girls is the blow job.
i have a tall, blond friend in berlin who tells me he has the body of an adonis and says that germans are secretly obsessed with dark- skinned women. (the horror the horror)
once a sikh cabdriver asked an indian-american guy friend – his passenger – whether it was really true about american women, “all that sucking and f--ing”? he wanted advice on how to convince his wife to experiment.
oral sex is a big divisive issue. for most of the world, certain parts of the body – like the peepee – are unclean. you do not put them anywhere near your mouth.
for the most part, you love it or you wouldn’t go near it with a ten-foot pole (assuming you have one).
let’s say you feel like it is fun and essential and your partner is going nowhere south - how do you deal?
or let’s say there’s ANYTHING that your partner isn’t doing that you would like him or her to. or the way you would like it.
step one, and this is surprisingly hard, you talk about it.
(AUGH! who doesn't tell you to do this?)
you say, “i’d love it if you could do this.” or you say, “i feel like i’m missing something...” the key is that you don’t make your partner feel bad about his/her taste, instead you allow him or her to rise to the situation.
step two: nothing doing. it freaks him or her out. now it’s time for tough love.
decide what you want and what you’re willing to put into it. maybe you see some potential in your partner as a long-term love. and people are willing to sacrifice a lot for love. (especially in the beginning when it is intensified by euphoria and lust).
maybe you can’t live without cetrain pleasures of the flesh. in which case, you walk.
my own feeling is, there are some things turn my stomach and try as i might, i will never be able to enjoy them.
as a muslim, i grew up not eating pig in any form.
to this day, i cannot bring myself to eat it.
it's like monkey brains or something.
even bits of bacon in singapore rice or whatever, i just see them and it grosses me out. i could be madly in love with an american southerner who lives for fried pork rinds, but i would throw up before i ate them myself.
and no chance that i would kiss him after he chowed down on a bag.
on the other hand, there are loads of muslims and jews who happily make the change. there are hindus and buddhists who grew up never letting beef pass their lips and now partake joyfully of in-and-out burger.
it’s up to you to feel the sense of possibility.
an indian woman friend, nilima, told me about this young jewish guy she was dating who was a terrible kisser. david would just grab her face and slobber all over it. it all felt very violent and unpleasant and she’d just about had enough.
nilima decided to break up with him and they were sitting around the kitchen chatting while in the back of her mind, she was weighing phrases like, “you’re great, but this isn’t really working,” etc.
and instead, out of her mouth popped, “what’s the deal with the kissing?”
and, even more shockingly, david said, “it’s terrible, isn’t it? what should i do?”
they launched into a big discussion of his romantic history (you have to learn how to kiss somewhere) and they finished by overhauling the entire interaction.
eventually, they had the happiest sex life you could possibly imagine. this is not to say they didn’t break up sooner or later, but they navigated a huge hurdle successfully. (one).
however, in their case, the big cultural divide was all about age requirements.
most people as they get older want to get serious. most younger people are so excited by the all the new toys that they still want to get out and play.
an instance where talk works. both players are self-aware and open to change. however, there is no rule.
remember the old proverbs, you can take a horse to water but you can’t teach him new tricks.
this is my big weakness.
i get totally irritated if my partner doesn't see my point of view. i might even make him feel like a total loser (not consciously, but that's one of the things i will burn in hell for).
learning and practicing the idea that you are not always right is a very useful skill. it's only just coming to me. and not all the time.
so - no matter how sexy and wild your intended seems to be - you don’t start a relationship hoping to civilize or enlighten someone.
because stuff changes, but the stuff you set out to change never does. (and, to be honest, if you could turn anyone into the ideal mate you’ve envisaged, you’d be so bored you’d dump him/her anyway.)
i’m not going to make any judgements on anyone’s choices and levels of discomfort. just be prepared that no one is completely a stereotype. (darn)
a list of assumptions i've heard:
french guy, laurent: “i’ve heard is that red-haired women smell like sour butter.”
australian shelley: “i would never even consider dating an aboriginal, they just live in a different world.”
british rebecca: “never, ever a pakistani boy. pakistanis were smelly, stank of curry and spices.”
sri lankan shanti: “white skin smells like raw meat.”
african-american judy: “vietnamese guys have angel hair down there!”
research in the field proves these assumptions false.
HA! you are about to find out the real deal.
HA again! stereotypes are based on some sort of reality. that latin guy may really be sensual and seductive beyond belief. your israeli girlfriend may really be a serious player, be careful.
on the other hand, no one is a cliche, no matter how hard they try. your new playmate is a three (or four, depending on how evolved they are) dimensional human being. there are some aspects that fit your preconceived notions and others that don’t.
the further sex advice: try to see the whole picture. if it pleases you to imagine your new asian girlfriend as a geisha girl or a gaugin painting, go for it, but don’t fool yourself that your vision is the reality.
if you get too stuck on the stereotype, you’re likely to freak out the other person.
a little objectification can be fun, too much feels psycho.
your woman might be willing to dress up like pocahontas or your guy do ricky martin, but probably not at your first romantic encounter.
and probably not at EVERY intimate encounter. in fact, he or she is likely to get insulted if you ask.
you might be thinking, “wait one minute, I AM the one who is getting treated like a cliche.” how do you get your partner to open his/her eyes? first of all, this assumes that there is some potential there and it’s worth the effort. you like him or her and you can see that once he or she gets past the “i dream of jeannie” thing, you could actually be friends.
again: TALK.
another friend of mine, a pakistani-american akbar, said that, in bed, his hindu girlfriend wanted him to recite urdu poetry and kept calling him, "my mughal prince." since akbar grew up in sacramento, his knowledge of urdu was sketchy at best, he hated bollywood movies as well as chick flicks, so the role play got old very fast.
(need i highlight the fact that they are both from relatively similar cultural backgrounds? or so it seems...)
in akbar’s case, he didn’t think it was worth the effort. that’s ok, too. he moved on and married an egyptian woman. i have no idea how they treat each other but he had actually lived in egypt.
if you do decide to put the time into it, you start by reminding your partner that you are just a normal person after all.
a gentle prompt in the direction of the fourth wall can help him or her see that you still have to put your pants on one leg at a time...
above all, don’t fall apart laughing when he or she says something ridiculous.
remember, people are very fragile when it comes to sexuality, be careful not to mortally wound the ego. (oh man, this is what i need to remember)
obviously, sticking with any sterotype limits the scope of the relationship. as in the case of the pakistani-american and the indian, it cost them the entire thing.
don’t forget that the real goal is human-to-human contact and love. you may not find your platonic ideal here, but if you’re lucky, this could be an instant of connecting your souls.
and isn’t that what it’s all about? (yes, and that fireworks explosion of nerve endings and muscle spasms).
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
ethnic ethics - some advice from the other side
ok, your first date.
your heart's racing. your face is flushed. the air is humming with electricity.
not the moment to search post-colonial history for the reason why that blond dutch boy knocks the wind out of you.
or why you, a young german guy, is attracted to a divorced jewish single mother.
you're just feeling it.
a crosscultural relationship sheds a bright light on your own identity and how you live with it, but when you're in the initial throes of lust, don't get all intellectual.
it will freak him/her out.
enjoy the sparks.
be careful making jokes. (but all weird and prissy and pc either as that can be equally off-putting.)
as the person in the match who is generally "the other" - the exotic indian pixie in the sea of big-boned rinso white girls - i have to beg you, please don’t use this as your chance to show how down you are with the people.
be who you are (unless you’re a recovering racist or bigot or something).
otherwise, it gets all weird and squirmy and if you are me, you just want to get out of there.
two real life complaints:
francesca (half-african-american and half-jewish-american who grew up in the manicured suburbs of connecticut), “why do white guys feel like they have to talk to me in ebonics? i’m fixin’ to buy me some chips – hello? you had an education and so did i.”
yasmine (jordanian), “i swear, if one more guy makes a joke about me coming out without my veil or getting a dowry of camels or buying me for an arranged marriage, i will throw my drink down his shirt.”
this might be an opportunity, if you ask nicely, to clear up your ridiculous cultural assumptions and ethnic confusion - but in my mind, that's still throwing up a wall between you and your intended.
this is the moment you realize how connected you are to someone who seems so far away.
body language
a statistic: men consistently read more (flirting and come-hither looks) into women’s facial and body language than women intend.
so guys - err on the side of caution, especially in the beginning. it may seem glaringly obvious that she wants to jump your bones while she might just be friendly.
or worse, just polite and not into you at all.
2nd - take note of the social bubble.
social bubble = how physically close you get the another person.
like a stranger giving you directions on the street in sao paolo, will get closer to you than a pal in arizona might.
a middle eastern guy might touch your shoulder when he passes you, might lean in closer or look you straight in the eyes. he might take up more space on the dinner table.
this doesn’t always mean he is about to propose.
on the flip side, a korean or a japanese might keep his or her things carefully away from yours, might never touch your hand or gaze longingly into your eyes. in the far east, people stand farther apart when talking. touch is a sign of deep intimacy.
the average american social bubble is about a foot, sometimes more in physically generous areas like california and new mexico. or in more in less demonstrative places like new england. it’s easy to misread physical distance for distaste.
in some cultures, looking someone in the eye is defiant, a sign of disrespect. in others, not looking the person in the eye is a sign of dishonesty.
while there is definitely a degree of universality in body language, your first impression might be misleading. take it slow, but enjoy the ride.
moving forwards - next obstacle – the pda.
public display of affection ranges from a touch on the hand to a lap-sitting snog. in a lot of the world, the pda is not looked well-upon.
in pakistan and india (where i was dating in my 20s), even a married couple wouldn’t kiss in public. in most of asia, kissing is a private act - not for a public space.
on this side of the world, the momentous kiss in the open (and on camera) is a crucial part of the american love story.
watch a bollywood film and it’s all about the hug.
in latin and african american cultures, physical expressions of affection are a sign of warmth and even a grandmother might give her husband a big kiss or a squeeze at a family gathering.
as an indian and a muslim (yes, there are exceptions), i feel uncomfortable holding hands with someone when i walk down the street. or making out in public - even when i was a teenager when it was all so exciting.
and sitting on anyone’s lap (including santa claus) makes me feel disrepected as well as exposed.
i've been married twice and i would never give my husband more than a peck in front of my parents. i'd certainly never kiss anyone i WASN'T married to.
so, if you lean in to kiss the person on the cheek when you meet and she or he steps back, or you offer your cheek and he or she doesn’t respond, don’t assume you have really bad breath.
on the other hand, if she or he kisses you immediately, or asks for a kiss – it doesn’t mean you’re in. she's just french.
the pivotal moment of the first date – or the first encounter, bumping into the person in barnes & noble or at a friend’s house – is the epiphany.
this is the moment when you realize you're lost.
before you do (oh, it’s probably too late, if you’re reading this), you should know that the road ahead is littered with landmines. first of all, sex - ha! you thought that would be the easy part!
introducing yourself to crosscultural dating exercises:
1. check out the online dating scene. not just one or two sites, but look at a whole bunch. browse the profiles, notice which people only want to meet people of their own ethnic group. notice who doesn’t.
2. tell your friends of different ethnicities or races to set you up. tell them you’ll go wide. talk to them about the real stuff you’re interested (someone who will go windsurfing with you). if you don’t have friends of another group, ask yourself why.
3. go to cultural events of another culture. the diwali celebration at a public space. an african-american history event. a chinese new year street fair in chinatown. even a friend’s niece’s bat mitzvah. pay attention to the fact that we all do the same stuff when we get together. pay attention to all the cool stuff that YOU never do. try some different kinds of foods, talk to people – if you're the only white guy at an indian wedding - they’ll all be interested in you just because you’re there.
4. go to ethnic movies. notice that iranian children are quite a lot like japanese children are quite a lot like french children. bring a friend who can explain cultural idioms. or better still, ask someone in the audience – it’s great conversation starter and they are already on comfortable ground.
5. post your profile on an online site or two but say that you want “activity partners” or “friends,” so there isn’t any pressure to hook up. check out unlikely places like jdate.com, shaadi.com and frenchfriendfinders.com.
6. be open.
7. have fun.
your heart's racing. your face is flushed. the air is humming with electricity.
not the moment to search post-colonial history for the reason why that blond dutch boy knocks the wind out of you.
or why you, a young german guy, is attracted to a divorced jewish single mother.
you're just feeling it.
a crosscultural relationship sheds a bright light on your own identity and how you live with it, but when you're in the initial throes of lust, don't get all intellectual.
it will freak him/her out.
enjoy the sparks.
be careful making jokes. (but all weird and prissy and pc either as that can be equally off-putting.)
as the person in the match who is generally "the other" - the exotic indian pixie in the sea of big-boned rinso white girls - i have to beg you, please don’t use this as your chance to show how down you are with the people.
be who you are (unless you’re a recovering racist or bigot or something).
otherwise, it gets all weird and squirmy and if you are me, you just want to get out of there.
two real life complaints:
francesca (half-african-american and half-jewish-american who grew up in the manicured suburbs of connecticut), “why do white guys feel like they have to talk to me in ebonics? i’m fixin’ to buy me some chips – hello? you had an education and so did i.”
yasmine (jordanian), “i swear, if one more guy makes a joke about me coming out without my veil or getting a dowry of camels or buying me for an arranged marriage, i will throw my drink down his shirt.”
this might be an opportunity, if you ask nicely, to clear up your ridiculous cultural assumptions and ethnic confusion - but in my mind, that's still throwing up a wall between you and your intended.
this is the moment you realize how connected you are to someone who seems so far away.
body language
a statistic: men consistently read more (flirting and come-hither looks) into women’s facial and body language than women intend.
so guys - err on the side of caution, especially in the beginning. it may seem glaringly obvious that she wants to jump your bones while she might just be friendly.
or worse, just polite and not into you at all.
2nd - take note of the social bubble.
social bubble = how physically close you get the another person.
like a stranger giving you directions on the street in sao paolo, will get closer to you than a pal in arizona might.
a middle eastern guy might touch your shoulder when he passes you, might lean in closer or look you straight in the eyes. he might take up more space on the dinner table.
this doesn’t always mean he is about to propose.
on the flip side, a korean or a japanese might keep his or her things carefully away from yours, might never touch your hand or gaze longingly into your eyes. in the far east, people stand farther apart when talking. touch is a sign of deep intimacy.
the average american social bubble is about a foot, sometimes more in physically generous areas like california and new mexico. or in more in less demonstrative places like new england. it’s easy to misread physical distance for distaste.
in some cultures, looking someone in the eye is defiant, a sign of disrespect. in others, not looking the person in the eye is a sign of dishonesty.
while there is definitely a degree of universality in body language, your first impression might be misleading. take it slow, but enjoy the ride.
moving forwards - next obstacle – the pda.
public display of affection ranges from a touch on the hand to a lap-sitting snog. in a lot of the world, the pda is not looked well-upon.
in pakistan and india (where i was dating in my 20s), even a married couple wouldn’t kiss in public. in most of asia, kissing is a private act - not for a public space.
on this side of the world, the momentous kiss in the open (and on camera) is a crucial part of the american love story.
watch a bollywood film and it’s all about the hug.
in latin and african american cultures, physical expressions of affection are a sign of warmth and even a grandmother might give her husband a big kiss or a squeeze at a family gathering.
as an indian and a muslim (yes, there are exceptions), i feel uncomfortable holding hands with someone when i walk down the street. or making out in public - even when i was a teenager when it was all so exciting.
and sitting on anyone’s lap (including santa claus) makes me feel disrepected as well as exposed.
i've been married twice and i would never give my husband more than a peck in front of my parents. i'd certainly never kiss anyone i WASN'T married to.
so, if you lean in to kiss the person on the cheek when you meet and she or he steps back, or you offer your cheek and he or she doesn’t respond, don’t assume you have really bad breath.
on the other hand, if she or he kisses you immediately, or asks for a kiss – it doesn’t mean you’re in. she's just french.
the pivotal moment of the first date – or the first encounter, bumping into the person in barnes & noble or at a friend’s house – is the epiphany.
this is the moment when you realize you're lost.
before you do (oh, it’s probably too late, if you’re reading this), you should know that the road ahead is littered with landmines. first of all, sex - ha! you thought that would be the easy part!
introducing yourself to crosscultural dating exercises:
1. check out the online dating scene. not just one or two sites, but look at a whole bunch. browse the profiles, notice which people only want to meet people of their own ethnic group. notice who doesn’t.
2. tell your friends of different ethnicities or races to set you up. tell them you’ll go wide. talk to them about the real stuff you’re interested (someone who will go windsurfing with you). if you don’t have friends of another group, ask yourself why.
3. go to cultural events of another culture. the diwali celebration at a public space. an african-american history event. a chinese new year street fair in chinatown. even a friend’s niece’s bat mitzvah. pay attention to the fact that we all do the same stuff when we get together. pay attention to all the cool stuff that YOU never do. try some different kinds of foods, talk to people – if you're the only white guy at an indian wedding - they’ll all be interested in you just because you’re there.
4. go to ethnic movies. notice that iranian children are quite a lot like japanese children are quite a lot like french children. bring a friend who can explain cultural idioms. or better still, ask someone in the audience – it’s great conversation starter and they are already on comfortable ground.
5. post your profile on an online site or two but say that you want “activity partners” or “friends,” so there isn’t any pressure to hook up. check out unlikely places like jdate.com, shaadi.com and frenchfriendfinders.com.
6. be open.
7. have fun.
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