past lives

woke up yesterday morning in the midst of a dream of an ex-boyfriend.

he was so close to my face - i haven't seen him in years - i could feel his breath on my skin, see every pore and sense the muscles tensing in his cheeks. what's funny is that, without that dream, i could barely have remembered what he looked like.

in my dream, i was sitting in a sidewalk cafe and i saw a man riding around past us on a bicycle, shooting the street through a movie camera that he wore on his face like binoculars.

i was fascinated by the project. then he got off the bicycle and walked towards me. i recognized him and called out his name. the friend i was with in the cafe, dashed off to chase her child. i was thrilled to see him and he got closer and closer.

suddenly, he was inches from my face, about to give me a kiss. and i saw that 20 year-old smile so clearly. looking at him, i thrashed myself through consciousness to wake up - late for my ramadan pre-sunrise breakfast.

still in the afterglow of my dream, i made some eggs and pondered it.

i realized that the guy i saw in my dream couldn't have been my ex-boyfriend. not ever, in waking life. i saw him for what i'd dreamed him to be. a filmmaker with a handmade camera - because he'd always had a unique point of view. in real life, he is probably a manager of a business or a contractor. something safe and content.

let's call him joe. joe had a difficult childhood because his parents weren't helpful, his siblings weren't interested and no one else had been either. he was abandoned early on.

and somehow i could look at him and see his potential. all the possibilities of what he might have been if he'd had wider exposure, if he'd had more support, if he'd had the advantages of an upper middleclass childhood.

but the truth is, i could never be the person who would help him overcome that. and, in reality, he never would.

and i thought of a recent ex and realized how often i see someone's untapped potential and see them for that - perhaps dream that for them - while they might never reach it. they might not even see it themselves. they might not even want to.

and it made me wonder how often one is in relationships where you see only the best in someone while they see only their obstacles. and that maybe understanding your partner's setbacks and insurmountable barriers can do you both more good that envisioning where they could be without them.