textdating while muslim

now that i have a full head of hair again, my oldest is in college and my youngest can be home without a babysitter, i find my body longing for another person's touch. i miss the building anticipation of a date, the pleasure of the banter.

then i started reading bits of love, inshallah, an anthology about muslim women and love.

i'd been hesitant because i know how harshly we judge each other, how deep the scars from our childhood warnings, but i decided to be more open and date another muslim.

my last love story with a muslim man ended with me weeping into my goggles as i swam laps. he dumped me just as i was falling head over heels. and even before he dumped me, he was going on "arranged" dates with more suitable women. an ivy-educated young lawyer in his early thirties, he was arrogant and well-spoken and considered himself something of a catch. i was a fallen twice-married divorcee with three very young children. i had just separated, still raw and unsure of my prospects. i was convinced we would marry. he thought i was an easy fling.

it was over in a few months, but i fell hard off that bicycle. my heart and knees were still smarting from where they'd had all the skin scraped off. for years, i was terrified to try a second round.

but here it is, more than a decade later, and i meet a man who is a muslim "revert" as they are called. though his father was egyptian, he died when my man was just a boy. so he was brought up a christian somewhere in maryland and came to islam later in life.

my first bit of nervousness came from his online profile. he described his relationship with islam as "serious about it" and explained that he was going to stay "celibate until [he was] married." as much as i respected his decision and his wish to make it clear, i wondered if these were just the edge of the iceberg. i also wondered what he'd make of me and my muslimness.

we exchanged a few emails on the site and then he disappeared, his profile removed. a day later, he sent me an email from another profile. he told me he had to delete the last one because of "a stalker."

i've had my share of stalkers online so i didn't really think anything of it. in a strange series of coincidences, it turned out i was picking up a pair of glasses right across the street from his apartment. we met in the east village in a coffee shop i hadn't been to since 1987, when i used to stumble in to meet my best friend for a cappuccino after being out in clubs all night.

we had a pleasant conversation, not a crazy connection, but not a flat-out no way, either. he was bright and interesting and, like me, had lived multiple lives. he was a grown-up, polite, solvent, attractive, and liked dogs. i didn't want to leap across the table and jump him, but then he was waiting til he was married anyway.

what followed were a series of interesting conversations, a movie, dinner in a noisy restaurant, watching a basketball game. he seemed to be becoming increasingly interested in me. he was making future plans. i was being vague. he friended me on facebook and commented on my posts. sadly, my heart didn't skip a beat for him.

on valentine's day, i was thrilled to get texts and cards from several exes and flowers from my brother. i thought it would be polite to send him a text as well, so i sent, "happy valentine's day!"

he responded, "same to you... LOL"

the next day, i tried to work up my interest in him. he seemed like a good prospect, at least on paper, and i am making an effort not to be too hasty or critical. i sent him a text, "how was your day?"

he answered something vague, "time flies when you're having fun..."

i said, "what do you do all day?"

he answered, "whatever i want, that's the beauty of having my own business!"

me: "i'm self-employed, too. but i seem to spend all my time working. or stressing about money if i'm not working." i asked what he was really doing, not to be aggressive or provocative, but just because i was curious.

him: "curiosity killed the cat!"

then, since i was sitting around thinking about what i do all day, i sent a long text about going to the beach and swimming in the sunshine. i started thinking about what i would do if it was my last day on earth and i wrote that, too. it was still about going to the beach, but this time with my kids.

long, dreamy texts that wandered in and out of stories.

he didn't respond.

i didn't notice.

until this afternoon.

i sent him a text saying, "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to be adversarial. i'm just a writer. i like stories and i like to write them."

his text, "there is something wrong with you... i'm not a psychologist, i can't help you."

baffling.

just out of curiosity, i went on the dating site and discovered that he had taken down his profile. he had also unfriended me on facebook. god knows when since i don't check those things that often. maybe he had cut me off long before valentine's day?

one of my exes advised me i should always call, not text. there's too much room for misunderstanding. i know, i know.

my brother told me i wasn't respecting the guy's boundaries. maybe he was seeing other people and didn't want to lie - though he had told me he met women rarely because he spoke to so many "psychos." he told me he had a great sense of it and could cut them off the minute they started to go crazy on him.

phew. like me, i guess.

i'm a psycho. who knew?