ethnic ethics - some advice from the other side

ok, your first date.

your heart's racing. your face is flushed. the air is humming with electricity.

not the moment to search post-colonial history for the reason why that blond dutch boy knocks the wind out of you.

or why you, a young german guy, is attracted to a divorced jewish single mother.

you're just feeling it.

a crosscultural relationship sheds a bright light on your own identity and how you live with it, but when you're in the initial throes of lust, don't get all intellectual.

it will freak him/her out.

enjoy the sparks.

be careful making jokes. (but all weird and prissy and pc either as that can be equally off-putting.)

as the person in the match who is generally "the other" - the exotic indian pixie in the sea of big-boned rinso white girls - i have to beg you, please don’t use this as your chance to show how down you are with the people.

be who you are (unless you’re a recovering racist or bigot or something).

otherwise, it gets all weird and squirmy and if you are me, you just want to get out of there.

two real life complaints:

francesca (half-african-american and half-jewish-american who grew up in the manicured suburbs of connecticut), “why do white guys feel like they have to talk to me in ebonics? i’m fixin’ to buy me some chips – hello? you had an education and so did i.”

yasmine (jordanian), “i swear, if one more guy makes a joke about me coming out without my veil or getting a dowry of camels or buying me for an arranged marriage, i will throw my drink down his shirt.”

this might be an opportunity, if you ask nicely, to clear up your ridiculous cultural assumptions and ethnic confusion - but in my mind, that's still throwing up a wall between you and your intended.

this is the moment you realize how connected you are to someone who seems so far away.

body language

a statistic: men consistently read more (flirting and come-hither looks) into women’s facial and body language than women intend.

so guys - err on the side of caution, especially in the beginning. it may seem glaringly obvious that she wants to jump your bones while she might just be friendly.

or worse, just polite and not into you at all.

2nd - take note of the social bubble.

social bubble = how physically close you get the another person.

like a stranger giving you directions on the street in sao paolo, will get closer to you than a pal in arizona might.

a middle eastern guy might touch your shoulder when he passes you, might lean in closer or look you straight in the eyes. he might take up more space on the dinner table.

this doesn’t always mean he is about to propose.

on the flip side, a korean or a japanese might keep his or her things carefully away from yours, might never touch your hand or gaze longingly into your eyes. in the far east, people stand farther apart when talking. touch is a sign of deep intimacy.

the average american social bubble is about a foot, sometimes more in physically generous areas like california and new mexico. or in more in less demonstrative places like new england. it’s easy to misread physical distance for distaste.

in some cultures, looking someone in the eye is defiant, a sign of disrespect. in others, not looking the person in the eye is a sign of dishonesty.

while there is definitely a degree of universality in body language, your first impression might be misleading. take it slow, but enjoy the ride.

moving forwards - next obstacle – the pda.

public display of affection ranges from a touch on the hand to a lap-sitting snog. in a lot of the world, the pda is not looked well-upon.

in pakistan and india (where i was dating in my 20s), even a married couple wouldn’t kiss in public. in most of asia, kissing is a private act - not for a public space.

on this side of the world, the momentous kiss in the open (and on camera) is a crucial part of the american love story.

watch a bollywood film and it’s all about the hug.

in latin and african american cultures, physical expressions of affection are a sign of warmth and even a grandmother might give her husband a big kiss or a squeeze at a family gathering.

as an indian and a muslim (yes, there are exceptions), i feel uncomfortable holding hands with someone when i walk down the street. or making out in public - even when i was a teenager when it was all so exciting.

and sitting on anyone’s lap (including santa claus) makes me feel disrepected as well as exposed.

i've been married twice and i would never give my husband more than a peck in front of my parents. i'd certainly never kiss anyone i WASN'T married to.

so, if you lean in to kiss the person on the cheek when you meet and she or he steps back, or you offer your cheek and he or she doesn’t respond, don’t assume you have really bad breath.
on the other hand, if she or he kisses you immediately, or asks for a kiss – it doesn’t mean you’re in. she's just french.

the pivotal moment of the first date – or the first encounter, bumping into the person in barnes & noble or at a friend’s house – is the epiphany.

this is the moment when you realize you're lost.

before you do (oh, it’s probably too late, if you’re reading this), you should know that the road ahead is littered with landmines. first of all, sex - ha! you thought that would be the easy part!

introducing yourself to crosscultural dating exercises:

1. check out the online dating scene. not just one or two sites, but look at a whole bunch. browse the profiles, notice which people only want to meet people of their own ethnic group. notice who doesn’t.

2. tell your friends of different ethnicities or races to set you up. tell them you’ll go wide. talk to them about the real stuff you’re interested (someone who will go windsurfing with you). if you don’t have friends of another group, ask yourself why.

3. go to cultural events of another culture. the diwali celebration at a public space. an african-american history event. a chinese new year street fair in chinatown. even a friend’s niece’s bat mitzvah. pay attention to the fact that we all do the same stuff when we get together. pay attention to all the cool stuff that YOU never do. try some different kinds of foods, talk to people – if you're the only white guy at an indian wedding - they’ll all be interested in you just because you’re there.

4. go to ethnic movies. notice that iranian children are quite a lot like japanese children are quite a lot like french children. bring a friend who can explain cultural idioms. or better still, ask someone in the audience – it’s great conversation starter and they are already on comfortable ground.

5. post your profile on an online site or two but say that you want “activity partners” or “friends,” so there isn’t any pressure to hook up. check out unlikely places like jdate.com, shaadi.com and frenchfriendfinders.com.

6. be open.

7. have fun.