reading the signs

another hard lesson.

oh maybe not, because it's something i've tried to do before and i didn't learn then.

the difficulties of trying to do business with an ex. or a current.

i read an article somewhere about the effects of love/sex on the female brain. and women trust men they sleep with - or are romantically involved with.

and even years later, it can be hard to separate what you want to believe "seeing the best in a person" and what the rest of the world is telling you.

so, yet again, i tried to collaborate with a once-romantic partner.

and one after the other, every project i put him on to collapsed. and one after the other, clients didn't like him, found him too tightly-wound, too aggressive and too confrontational.

or they simply disappeared.

and i kept putting it down to the changing economy, his learning a new paradigm - working in the beauty/fashion industry - rather than the boy-power world of business.

and then - as the economy got worse - he turned his gaze on me

and started blaming my communication style for breakdowns, my informal work style as disrespectful and the main obstacle to our success.

it is true that i have the attention span of a flea, very little patience and a sudden and short temper. though my miniscule attention span means that i've forgotten it pretty fast too.

the fact that i am generally operating as a creative or a strategist in an industry that requires immediate and complete immersion one minute and a 360 change of direction the next, my sprinter's style works well.

he comes from a world of suits, long-drawn-out power negotiations, conference calls, and constant meetings. his work is less the business of "making things" and more that of creating a setting.

in any case, cross-cultural misfire.

and - i've seen it again and again - husband-and-wife start-ups, boyfriend-and-girlfriend fashion lines, girlfriend-and-girlfriend handbags collections. they all almost all fall apart.

(with a few exceptions - inez and vinoodh, my brother's friends james and nora lee ... can't think of more off the top of my head. except for gay men. they seem to have seamlessly pulled off the dissolution of the relationship without the dissolution of the business. maybe it's a guy thing. haven't learned it)

so my advice - if you insist on trying to work with a romantic partner or spouse - or an ex:

draw up a legal document. this may be more important than a pre-nup.

figure out what you expect from each other.
how much you are each investing and what qualifies as an investment.
what your responsibilites are
how you will dissolve the partnership

you should do this while you are still jolly and excited about the possibilities. then you tend to be more open to each other's points of view. and more generous.

i suppose the writing should have been on the wall when my "friend" became completely angry and defensive and refused to even consider such a thing...

anyway, in this case, your ethnicity only matters in that, as "good" asian women, we're willing to take the blame.

that may be the case for almost all women who've been brought up to be "nice" at the expense of all else...