high-risk activity or sexploitation

a couple of years ago, i worked for a woman called nancy jarecki branding, strategizing and creating a product called, "BETTY: color for the hair down there." it was an instant sensation - though i'm not sure it's not a one-off product. a cute novelty but not a mainstay.

so last night i was hanging out with a friend and she was saying, "you know, i'm getting some gray hairs on my cooch and i was wondering about that product."

what's so funny about that is that betty's biggest and most reliable consumerbase are women with graying "hair down there." older women are still in the dating market these days and if they are not doing brazilians, they are noticing that all your hair ages together.

so i told her what i told nancy and her husband andrew.

that is just silly.

because if, in the throes of procreation, you are worried about your new pal taking note of your gray hairs, you have a lot more to be worried about.

like the way society sees older women and sexuality. and the way we approach aging in general. and that is another story all together.

anyway, on to intimacy.

let me explain what i mean by “sex” here. i’m going wide. i mean intimacy in all its variations. i am not using the bill clinton definition. there are plenty of people who don’t believe in sex before marriage or at least until they feel really committed to someone.

and there are others to who see it as a prerequisite to a second date.

i'm not making any judgement on your choices in those matters, not least because people who live in glass houses shouldn’t cast the first stone - or any stones...

sex can be a first kiss, a make-out session, a grope. or the whole bang. and since it is a driving force for most animal life, it is rife with misconceptions and preconceptions – and this even before you consider the conception aspect.

admit it, you have heard all the stories about african-american guys being hung like horses, asian women being submissive, catholic girls being out of control, jewish guys analyzing everything.

first volatile situation.

it’s not what you expected. never is.

having dated all over the world – and had tons of friends unload their war stories – the sexpectations are half the battle. and also when things start to get a little weird.

for lots of second-generation asians, east and south (koreans, chinese, japanese, filipino, indians, pakistanis, bangladeshis, sri lankans – you know i mean YOU), we grew up with so much pressure to marry our own kind that the thought of dating one is just too intense.

so you see the euro-guy or girl as the sex object and the asian counterpart as the person you marry and have kids with.

or, you see the euro-type as the hottie, just like all the movies, and the asian version is your brother or sister or cousin-brother or cousin-sister and even envisioning sex with them feels like incest.

so for all the sisters who are fed up with their banana or coconut brothers – or all the asian guys who feel like they will never get the girl – don’t take it personally.

and for all those muslim girls who are still single because they believe they can only hook up with muslim guys - and muslim guys have the pick of christians, jews AND muslims so they are not showing up to "muslim dating events" - here's your opportunity.

get out there and realize that you will not be excommunicated if you don't win the aunty-lottery by marrying a nice pakistani banker. there ARE really great guys out there if you are willing to cross over.

and you don't have to dump the guy just 'cause he wants to hold hands in the movie theater (did you all read that article in the ny times sunday styles of the times?)

sex isn't bad and evil. it's a way to show love and affection.

and there are tons and tons of human beings out there who may be from an unexpected cultures, races, religions and age groups who may support you in whatever religious practice you choose as well as being worth falling in love with.

so don't give into the pressure!

on that note.

i have a cousin (abcd arif) who dated the daughter of one of his mom’s closest friends. they were both educated, uppermiddle class indian muslims who’d grown up in the u.s. and europe. they were also both very attractive and eligible.

so after about two dates, their moms were constantly on the phone with each other about the wedding. and any time the guy and girl had a fight, their moms would get in the middle and start trying to get them back together.

anyway, the pressure was so crushing that the relationship exploded. (the happy ending? the woman married a nice french guy, arif married a lovely british-dutch woman.)

this situation is not limited to second-generation asian-americans. we all saw “my big fat greek wedding,”right? being from an immigrant family, no matter what your economic or educational level, complicates the love story.

back to the sex. sleeping with the enemy is where it really gets exciting. if you are an indian muslim, or even more complicated, a pakistani, the indian hindu guy or girl might give you a frisson. you’ve heard that the girls are really wild.

and the guys – come on, it IS the birthplace of the kama sutra.

if you’re an indian woman, you’ve probably heard that pakistani guys tote big sticks. hindu guys think christian or anglo-indian girls are fast and easy, and muslim girls are fair flowers waiting to be plucked.

if you’re an arab guy, you think israeli girls have hot army-buff bodies. if you’re an israeli guy, you think the best thing about american girls is the blow job.

i have a tall, blond friend in berlin who tells me he has the body of an adonis and says that germans are secretly obsessed with dark- skinned women. (the horror the horror)

once a sikh cabdriver asked an indian-american guy friend – his passenger – whether it was really true about american women, “all that sucking and f--ing”? he wanted advice on how to convince his wife to experiment.

oral sex is a big divisive issue. for most of the world, certain parts of the body – like the peepee – are unclean. you do not put them anywhere near your mouth.

for the most part, you love it or you wouldn’t go near it with a ten-foot pole (assuming you have one).

let’s say you feel like it is fun and essential and your partner is going nowhere south - how do you deal?

or let’s say there’s ANYTHING that your partner isn’t doing that you would like him or her to. or the way you would like it.

step one, and this is surprisingly hard, you talk about it.

(AUGH! who doesn't tell you to do this?)

you say, “i’d love it if you could do this.” or you say, “i feel like i’m missing something...” the key is that you don’t make your partner feel bad about his/her taste, instead you allow him or her to rise to the situation.

step two: nothing doing. it freaks him or her out. now it’s time for tough love.

decide what you want and what you’re willing to put into it. maybe you see some potential in your partner as a long-term love. and people are willing to sacrifice a lot for love. (especially in the beginning when it is intensified by euphoria and lust).

maybe you can’t live without cetrain pleasures of the flesh. in which case, you walk.

my own feeling is, there are some things turn my stomach and try as i might, i will never be able to enjoy them.

as a muslim, i grew up not eating pig in any form.

to this day, i cannot bring myself to eat it.

it's like monkey brains or something.

even bits of bacon in singapore rice or whatever, i just see them and it grosses me out. i could be madly in love with an american southerner who lives for fried pork rinds, but i would throw up before i ate them myself.

and no chance that i would kiss him after he chowed down on a bag.

on the other hand, there are loads of muslims and jews who happily make the change. there are hindus and buddhists who grew up never letting beef pass their lips and now partake joyfully of in-and-out burger.

it’s up to you to feel the sense of possibility.

an indian woman friend, nilima, told me about this young jewish guy she was dating who was a terrible kisser. david would just grab her face and slobber all over it. it all felt very violent and unpleasant and she’d just about had enough.

nilima decided to break up with him and they were sitting around the kitchen chatting while in the back of her mind, she was weighing phrases like, “you’re great, but this isn’t really working,” etc.

and instead, out of her mouth popped, “what’s the deal with the kissing?”

and, even more shockingly, david said, “it’s terrible, isn’t it? what should i do?”

they launched into a big discussion of his romantic history (you have to learn how to kiss somewhere) and they finished by overhauling the entire interaction.

eventually, they had the happiest sex life you could possibly imagine. this is not to say they didn’t break up sooner or later, but they navigated a huge hurdle successfully. (one).

however, in their case, the big cultural divide was all about age requirements.

most people as they get older want to get serious. most younger people are so excited by the all the new toys that they still want to get out and play.

an instance where talk works. both players are self-aware and open to change. however, there is no rule.

remember the old proverbs, you can take a horse to water but you can’t teach him new tricks.

this is my big weakness.

i get totally irritated if my partner doesn't see my point of view. i might even make him feel like a total loser (not consciously, but that's one of the things i will burn in hell for).

learning and practicing the idea that you are not always right is a very useful skill. it's only just coming to me. and not all the time.

so - no matter how sexy and wild your intended seems to be - you don’t start a relationship hoping to civilize or enlighten someone.

because stuff changes, but the stuff you set out to change never does. (and, to be honest, if you could turn anyone into the ideal mate you’ve envisaged, you’d be so bored you’d dump him/her anyway.)

i’m not going to make any judgements on anyone’s choices and levels of discomfort. just be prepared that no one is completely a stereotype. (darn)

a list of assumptions i've heard:

french guy, laurent: “i’ve heard is that red-haired women smell like sour butter.”

australian shelley: “i would never even consider dating an aboriginal, they just live in a different world.”

british rebecca: “never, ever a pakistani boy. pakistanis were smelly, stank of curry and spices.”

sri lankan shanti: “white skin smells like raw meat.”

african-american judy: “vietnamese guys have angel hair down there!”


research in the field proves these assumptions false.

HA! you are about to find out the real deal.

HA again! stereotypes are based on some sort of reality. that latin guy may really be sensual and seductive beyond belief. your israeli girlfriend may really be a serious player, be careful.

on the other hand, no one is a cliche, no matter how hard they try. your new playmate is a three (or four, depending on how evolved they are) dimensional human being. there are some aspects that fit your preconceived notions and others that don’t.

the further sex advice: try to see the whole picture. if it pleases you to imagine your new asian girlfriend as a geisha girl or a gaugin painting, go for it, but don’t fool yourself that your vision is the reality.

if you get too stuck on the stereotype, you’re likely to freak out the other person.

a little objectification can be fun, too much feels psycho.

your woman might be willing to dress up like pocahontas or your guy do ricky martin, but probably not at your first romantic encounter.

and probably not at EVERY intimate encounter. in fact, he or she is likely to get insulted if you ask.

you might be thinking, “wait one minute, I AM the one who is getting treated like a cliche.” how do you get your partner to open his/her eyes? first of all, this assumes that there is some potential there and it’s worth the effort. you like him or her and you can see that once he or she gets past the “i dream of jeannie” thing, you could actually be friends.

again: TALK.

another friend of mine, a pakistani-american akbar, said that, in bed, his hindu girlfriend wanted him to recite urdu poetry and kept calling him, "my mughal prince." since akbar grew up in sacramento, his knowledge of urdu was sketchy at best, he hated bollywood movies as well as chick flicks, so the role play got old very fast.

(need i highlight the fact that they are both from relatively similar cultural backgrounds? or so it seems...)

in akbar’s case, he didn’t think it was worth the effort. that’s ok, too. he moved on and married an egyptian woman. i have no idea how they treat each other but he had actually lived in egypt.

if you do decide to put the time into it, you start by reminding your partner that you are just a normal person after all.

a gentle prompt in the direction of the fourth wall can help him or her see that you still have to put your pants on one leg at a time...

above all, don’t fall apart laughing when he or she says something ridiculous.

remember, people are very fragile when it comes to sexuality, be careful not to mortally wound the ego. (oh man, this is what i need to remember)

obviously, sticking with any sterotype limits the scope of the relationship. as in the case of the pakistani-american and the indian, it cost them the entire thing.

don’t forget that the real goal is human-to-human contact and love. you may not find your platonic ideal here, but if you’re lucky, this could be an instant of connecting your souls.

and isn’t that what it’s all about? (yes, and that fireworks explosion of nerve endings and muscle spasms).