the end of the line or the discreet (muslim) divorce.

had coffee with a new friend - a muslim woman - who's been separated from her husband for the past few months.

she was ebullient, "i am so excited to meet you! i googled you about 10 months ago!"

me pleased: "why?"

she, "because you're the only muslim woman who's spoken about getting divorced online. and i really needed a support group!"

i was both surprised and horrified.
though i guess i shouldn't have been either.

how insane is that? islam was the first major religion to give women the right to divorce. we can demand that our husbands support us financially, take responsibility for their kids, please us in bed - or we can demand a divorce.
now we are pretending it doesn't happen?
or that it's dishonorable?

come on, catholics called us heathens, hindus called us barbarians - people CONVERTED TO ISLAM solely to have the right to dump their wives (sick as that is) - why can't we talk about it? it's a painful and unhappy situation and we have to pretend that we are not suffering.

muslim, indian, pakistani, arab women - apart from a handful of noisy ones: asra nomani, irshad manji, wafa sultan - are pretty discreet about those things. in fact, it's generally accepted that you DO NOT talk about the fact that you are divorced or separated or in the process in polite society.

when i told my mum that james and i were splitting up, her first reaction was, "oh no. what will i tell everyone?"

my mum was at an egyptian friend's house for dinner recently when a young woman came up to her and said, "you are so kind. you are such a kind mother."

and my mum said, "thanks so much, but what do you mean?"

and the woman said,"if i had been like your daughter, getting divorced twice, with three children from two husbands, my parents would have never let me back in the door! my father would have beaten me within an inch of my life."

all this was said with a laugh, but the stab-in-the-back and the implications are tragic.

my mum and dad still - when james (my exhusband) is at their house at christmas or thanksgiving or during the summer - introduce him to people as MY HUSBAND.

and when my brother and sister-in-law were getting married, we pretended we were still together until after the wedding to avoid upsetting all the relations.

and when i go to desi/south asian events, everyone still asks me, "what does your husband do?" before they ask what i do.

for a while, when i was still all mad about it, my answer was, "he does nothing for me. . . but he is a painter."

these days i see no reason in alienating the aunties, so i say," i don't have a husband. but i did."

anyway, it's about time muslim and south asian women (hindu, muslim, christian, buddhist jewish) start talking about stuff.

you lost your job, your husband/wife is having an affair, your son is addicted to heroin, your daughter's pregnant or she just didn't get into an ivy-college... you're getting divorced. tell people.

i mean, don't bore people at the buffet table or on the bus with depressing whining and complaining. but don't act like a right-wing christian about birth control.

it's real.

it's hard. it's sad.
it can be really difficult for your kids so make an effort to listen to them and let them talk if they want to.

but don't act like it's not there.

because then you isolate yourself and everyone else who could benefit from what you're learning.

n.b. if you are married to a muslim woman/man and you are not one - you may find this baffling. my suggestion would be to read a victorian novel in which appearances are everything.

you might suggest your soon-to-be ex-partner stop pretending. (this does NOT mean throwing scenes at parties). if you can - and quite often when one is getting divorced or splitting up, you can't - be gentle. this is almost impossible. especially when you've had enough of your in-laws.

i have to admit that james was fabulous with the pretending part of the ride. but he's english. discretion - or secrecy - comes naturally. he gets a medal for that.

if you are a muslim woman and you are "being discreet" because "it's not nice to talk about those things," you need to get over it and start TALKING! because it matters. and it matters to everyone.

aasiya khan, a bright,educated, young muslim woman and mother who worked for bridges tv was decapitated by her psychotic husband who had a history of abuse.

if there were other muslim/pakistani/indian women talking about it, she might have felt she had a voice. if she was talking to other people, they might have been able to get her some protection or get her husband locked up.

if you're a muslim woman in a strained relationship and you are not telling others about it - don't risk your children's or your own life - but remember that you are responsible for a lot of other people as well.

the saddest thing for me about it, on a purely selfish note, is that i read it and said, thank god, i didn't marry a muslim. or a pakistani.

this man's insane behaviour is being attributed to islam/arabs/south asians when it is purely psychotic. and inexcusable.

so start talking.

and sorry for getting all new-agey but

1. there are NO failures.

life is a learning experience. you fell in love with someone. it may not have worked forever - but it worked for a while. and wasn't it great while it did? you learned how to live with someone else.

and the detangling experience is a learning opportunity itself - what part of your relationship are you taking responsibility for? (remember you CHOSE it) how kind can you be when you are totally irritated? how do you learn to forgive someone?

oh wait - these questions are all for your shrink to work through with you!

2. we are ALL in this TOGETHER.

this doesn't just mean climate change. or the economy. it means ourselves as interconnected pieces of the human condition. the more we open up and allow other people to connect on an emotional level, the easier it is for everyone.

when you speak up, you are giving a gift to another human being.

look how thrilled my new friend was to find me!