ok, for you men out there - this post is after a discussion with my sister-in-law about who is responsible for a child.
her theory: if a woman gets pregnant, it's her own fault. if she decides to have the baby - and the guy doesn't want it and wants her to have an abortion - she takes the responsibility herself and can't hit the father up for financial/emotional help afterwards.
my theory: guys make a decision the minute they have sex without birth control. actually, in some cases, the minute they have penetrative intercourse. let's face it, women - and all human beings in general, except for your own self - are wild cards. you never know what deep-seated memories are triggered by which events.
so you, the guy, may hop into bed with someone thinking that it's a done (footloose and free-loving deal) and she may get pregnant and suddenly all her thoughts of motherhood and her own childhood and the bizarre behaviour kicked in by hormones and who know WHAT she will do.
basically, you just handed her a loaded gun - that you loaded, btw - and now, if you didn't take precautions earlier (and sometimes even if you did). you are going to have to deal with the consequences.
even if the consequences are that she falls madly in love with you (a la fatal attraction) or you fall madly in love with her (and she's not interested).
sex is a complicated and emotionally-fraught act.
do it without thinking and you could end up dealing with the offspring (and the mother or father) for a good 18 years.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
mercury retrograde
the clock changed and i'm trying to move forwards not back.
briefly, this summer, i fell back in love with an old boyfriend. probably because i've been in a rapidly accelerating crisis situation and i longed for something safe, tested, worn-in and comfortable.
he showed me, through innumerable signs exactly how unsuitable he was. when i needed help moving, he said he'd come and instead called me 5 hours after it was all over. no explanation. in fact, he showed up late to absolutely every meeting, even when he chose the time. over the years, he'd borrowed money from me, and now - despite my panicked financial moment - he still didn't offer to help or to even buy my kid a box of popcorn when he met us in the movie theater. he just ignored her hints.
still i could feel the sexual tension between us and the longing in the way he left the apartment. i could feel my kids' pleasure in his presence.
and after a pathetic last-ditch effort to re-connect, the illusion suddenly crashed to the floor. he was the same person i had walked away from. he was his same sweet, loving, irresponsible and self-centered self.
back to internet dating and all its related irritations.
like first of all, why do people simply ignore your qualifications? i am not interested in white men over 40. i even put it in the first line of my description. not because i am racist, just because i did that already.
probably the same reason i fell back in love. because you see what you want to see. because you project all those qualities you dream of on thin structure of the person you know.
there is something so 2-dimensional and impossible about meeting people that way. no one ever seems to look like their picture. almost inevitably, they look worse and are 2 inches shorter. no one can spell or write comprehensible sentences. or if they can, they are total disasters off the page. how can you meet everyone? and how can you possibly narrow your choices from a tiny profile?
ah. off to the acupuncturist to ponder further.
briefly, this summer, i fell back in love with an old boyfriend. probably because i've been in a rapidly accelerating crisis situation and i longed for something safe, tested, worn-in and comfortable.
he showed me, through innumerable signs exactly how unsuitable he was. when i needed help moving, he said he'd come and instead called me 5 hours after it was all over. no explanation. in fact, he showed up late to absolutely every meeting, even when he chose the time. over the years, he'd borrowed money from me, and now - despite my panicked financial moment - he still didn't offer to help or to even buy my kid a box of popcorn when he met us in the movie theater. he just ignored her hints.
still i could feel the sexual tension between us and the longing in the way he left the apartment. i could feel my kids' pleasure in his presence.
and after a pathetic last-ditch effort to re-connect, the illusion suddenly crashed to the floor. he was the same person i had walked away from. he was his same sweet, loving, irresponsible and self-centered self.
back to internet dating and all its related irritations.
like first of all, why do people simply ignore your qualifications? i am not interested in white men over 40. i even put it in the first line of my description. not because i am racist, just because i did that already.
probably the same reason i fell back in love. because you see what you want to see. because you project all those qualities you dream of on thin structure of the person you know.
there is something so 2-dimensional and impossible about meeting people that way. no one ever seems to look like their picture. almost inevitably, they look worse and are 2 inches shorter. no one can spell or write comprehensible sentences. or if they can, they are total disasters off the page. how can you meet everyone? and how can you possibly narrow your choices from a tiny profile?
ah. off to the acupuncturist to ponder further.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
motherhood
i seem to fall in love with men who are - to a man - children.
they are incapable of seeing other people as anything other than extensions of their egos.
laughing even as i type this. my current paramour, more than 15 years my junior seems to be more patient, wise and able to put others first than any of the men nearly hitting 60.
so what's the reason for my arrested development?
my desire to be a "superwoman" to look after everyone?
here's a warning sign. when you find you are looking after a man - an adult - and he's requiring more attention than the actual under-18 members of your household and helping even less, then you probably need to question your motives.
you can't re-make your messed-up childhood, or re-make his, no matter how hard you try.
they are incapable of seeing other people as anything other than extensions of their egos.
laughing even as i type this. my current paramour, more than 15 years my junior seems to be more patient, wise and able to put others first than any of the men nearly hitting 60.
so what's the reason for my arrested development?
my desire to be a "superwoman" to look after everyone?
here's a warning sign. when you find you are looking after a man - an adult - and he's requiring more attention than the actual under-18 members of your household and helping even less, then you probably need to question your motives.
you can't re-make your messed-up childhood, or re-make his, no matter how hard you try.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
past lives
woke up yesterday morning in the midst of a dream of an ex-boyfriend.
he was so close to my face - i haven't seen him in years - i could feel his breath on my skin, see every pore and sense the muscles tensing in his cheeks. what's funny is that, without that dream, i could barely have remembered what he looked like.
in my dream, i was sitting in a sidewalk cafe and i saw a man riding around past us on a bicycle, shooting the street through a movie camera that he wore on his face like binoculars.
i was fascinated by the project. then he got off the bicycle and walked towards me. i recognized him and called out his name. the friend i was with in the cafe, dashed off to chase her child. i was thrilled to see him and he got closer and closer.
suddenly, he was inches from my face, about to give me a kiss. and i saw that 20 year-old smile so clearly. looking at him, i thrashed myself through consciousness to wake up - late for my ramadan pre-sunrise breakfast.
still in the afterglow of my dream, i made some eggs and pondered it.
i realized that the guy i saw in my dream couldn't have been my ex-boyfriend. not ever, in waking life. i saw him for what i'd dreamed him to be. a filmmaker with a handmade camera - because he'd always had a unique point of view. in real life, he is probably a manager of a business or a contractor. something safe and content.
let's call him joe. joe had a difficult childhood because his parents weren't helpful, his siblings weren't interested and no one else had been either. he was abandoned early on.
and somehow i could look at him and see his potential. all the possibilities of what he might have been if he'd had wider exposure, if he'd had more support, if he'd had the advantages of an upper middleclass childhood.
but the truth is, i could never be the person who would help him overcome that. and, in reality, he never would.
and i thought of a recent ex and realized how often i see someone's untapped potential and see them for that - perhaps dream that for them - while they might never reach it. they might not even see it themselves. they might not even want to.
and it made me wonder how often one is in relationships where you see only the best in someone while they see only their obstacles. and that maybe understanding your partner's setbacks and insurmountable barriers can do you both more good that envisioning where they could be without them.
he was so close to my face - i haven't seen him in years - i could feel his breath on my skin, see every pore and sense the muscles tensing in his cheeks. what's funny is that, without that dream, i could barely have remembered what he looked like.
in my dream, i was sitting in a sidewalk cafe and i saw a man riding around past us on a bicycle, shooting the street through a movie camera that he wore on his face like binoculars.
i was fascinated by the project. then he got off the bicycle and walked towards me. i recognized him and called out his name. the friend i was with in the cafe, dashed off to chase her child. i was thrilled to see him and he got closer and closer.
suddenly, he was inches from my face, about to give me a kiss. and i saw that 20 year-old smile so clearly. looking at him, i thrashed myself through consciousness to wake up - late for my ramadan pre-sunrise breakfast.
still in the afterglow of my dream, i made some eggs and pondered it.
i realized that the guy i saw in my dream couldn't have been my ex-boyfriend. not ever, in waking life. i saw him for what i'd dreamed him to be. a filmmaker with a handmade camera - because he'd always had a unique point of view. in real life, he is probably a manager of a business or a contractor. something safe and content.
let's call him joe. joe had a difficult childhood because his parents weren't helpful, his siblings weren't interested and no one else had been either. he was abandoned early on.
and somehow i could look at him and see his potential. all the possibilities of what he might have been if he'd had wider exposure, if he'd had more support, if he'd had the advantages of an upper middleclass childhood.
but the truth is, i could never be the person who would help him overcome that. and, in reality, he never would.
and i thought of a recent ex and realized how often i see someone's untapped potential and see them for that - perhaps dream that for them - while they might never reach it. they might not even see it themselves. they might not even want to.
and it made me wonder how often one is in relationships where you see only the best in someone while they see only their obstacles. and that maybe understanding your partner's setbacks and insurmountable barriers can do you both more good that envisioning where they could be without them.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
my old man pt 2
so lately i've gone a handful of dates with 20-somethings.
and while i don't know if they saw me as a haggard old crone (it was just my 45th birthday), i felt a bit empty afterwards.
what i love about younger guys is their enthusiasm, excitement, energy and optimism.
but i walked away wondering what we talked about.
maybe i was intimidating. maybe they were shy. but somehow the conversations lacked depth. they felt like missed trains.
i'm not interested in cynicism, excessive analytics or psychological digs, but isn't there a middle ground?
and while i don't know if they saw me as a haggard old crone (it was just my 45th birthday), i felt a bit empty afterwards.
what i love about younger guys is their enthusiasm, excitement, energy and optimism.
but i walked away wondering what we talked about.
maybe i was intimidating. maybe they were shy. but somehow the conversations lacked depth. they felt like missed trains.
i'm not interested in cynicism, excessive analytics or psychological digs, but isn't there a middle ground?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
love in a headscarf
met a women at the MLT conference today called Shelina Zahra Janmohamed who's written a book called, LOVE IN A HEADSCARF about her search for love - both romantic and divine.
she also has a blog www.spirit21.co.uk
wondering about dating/falling in love with a woman in a hijab? compelling? or does it freak you out?
read her book and her blog which gained her the title, one of britain's 50 most powerful women, for tips and information.
she showed up at the event with her husband - a muslim and a south asian - so i guess the search is over.
but i'm really interested in how it played out...
she also has a blog www.spirit21.co.uk
wondering about dating/falling in love with a woman in a hijab? compelling? or does it freak you out?
read her book and her blog which gained her the title, one of britain's 50 most powerful women, for tips and information.
she showed up at the event with her husband - a muslim and a south asian - so i guess the search is over.
but i'm really interested in how it played out...
Thursday, April 9, 2009
age old or the sweetness of spring
raise your hands if you read, "Your Old Man" in the sunday, ny times magazine, with a smug sense of i-told-you-so.
i shop the juniors section myself. can't help it.
the article, by lisa belkin, was about the male biological clock and the fact that sperm ages too. so if, like tony randall, you father a child at 60 or so (even after 39, guys), your kid is more likely to be schizophrenic, autistic, bipolar, less intelligent, etc.
just realized she was scooped emily nussbaum, "this old sperm," in new york magazine (p11, march 23, 2009). yes, the smartest kids are the combination of older mothers and younger fathers! (nussbaum suggests 45 year-old career women inseminated by their 21 year-old personal trainers). rock on, career women.
did i learn that intuitively?
was talking to my friend satyajit the other day (he's 39 or 40) about a woman friend who was regretting never getting married and/or having kids (as we all have momentary regrets about one or another life-altering choice we make).
s: how old is she?
me: she's about the same age as you.
s: oh my god! and she's never been married?
me: neither have you. what time warp do you live in?
he said, i'm a GUY. and what about her biological clock?
let me tell you a bit more about earlier in the conversation -
s: all my friends were asking about you at that party, they said she's so beautiful! she must have been dynamite!
me: flattered but wondering why they used the past tense.
s: heh-heh, you know men only care about women in their 20s.
YES! justification!
since i split up with my decade-or-more older exhusband, i've found that men over the age of 40 (sometimes they last til 43) are not appealing as romantic partners. (though they can be entertaining friends).
generally, for guys, 26-32 is the sweet spot.
why?
younger guys are energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic about anything new. they approach relationships with sweetness and light. they have fun with my kids. they fall in love.
on an even more superficial level, their eyes sparkle, their skin is smooth, their abs are swoon-inspiring.
the older men complain about their exes and how bad/uninteresting/idiotic music, film, art, dance, journalism, literature has become. they bemoan the demise of the "good old days." they lay down absolutes about child discipline. they are often sarcastic, cynical and so self-protective that they can't be vulnerable or truly intimate.
(my experience btw)
ok. if you are a woman and thinking of dating up or down - here are some thoughts on the male operating system.
after a man reaches age 40-45, there is good old E.D. (look that up). this is shockingly common and it just gets worse.
a whole host of physiological and psychological factors can keep an older man from maintaining an erection (stress, depression, prostate issues, smoking, drinking alcohol, lack of sleep) and/or the ability to ejaculate.
next - what you see is what you get.
as women, we've been freaking out about our bodies since we were 10. we exercise. we eat healthy food. we scrub exfoliate and moisturize. we depilate and do crunches.
most men have not and do not do this. (unless they are gay, but that's not useful for the purposes of my research).
they generally don't realize that flesh-and-bones case that carries their souls requires maintenance.
worse, if they are successful, they wear their hairy-sprouting ears and portly bellies with pride, even in a bathing suit at a resort. (can you imagine a woman doing that?)
let's say you get past the thrill of dating and on to a marriage. things get worse.
having had kids with guys who are much older than myself (unless you have a TON of money) it's a big drag. they do not have the energy deal with a squalling infant or toddler. on daddy-duty, they put the kid "down for a nap" - which means daddy falls asleep and baby crawls out of the room and off to put barbie shoes into the dvd player or peanut butter in the electric sockets - while you are trying to do some rushed grocery shopping...
a ton of money would mean they could hire someone to do the job for them. so at least, you'd get time off. again, i am in my 40s so i know how hard it is to be round-the-clock parent, but i didn't START in my 40s.
last of all, if you've just realized you forgot to have a family (desperate to get pregnant) - your chances increase dramatically with a younger guy - if nothing else, frequency of ejaculation increases the probability of conception.
my suggestion - rob the cradle now so you can fill your own.
even grouchy old guys can be entertaining friends and great company - and i'm sure there are exceptions to the previous descriptions, but they are exceptions.
old sages can be wise. be you can be wiser. don't bring them home with you.
i shop the juniors section myself. can't help it.
the article, by lisa belkin, was about the male biological clock and the fact that sperm ages too. so if, like tony randall, you father a child at 60 or so (even after 39, guys), your kid is more likely to be schizophrenic, autistic, bipolar, less intelligent, etc.
just realized she was scooped emily nussbaum, "this old sperm," in new york magazine (p11, march 23, 2009). yes, the smartest kids are the combination of older mothers and younger fathers! (nussbaum suggests 45 year-old career women inseminated by their 21 year-old personal trainers). rock on, career women.
did i learn that intuitively?
was talking to my friend satyajit the other day (he's 39 or 40) about a woman friend who was regretting never getting married and/or having kids (as we all have momentary regrets about one or another life-altering choice we make).
s: how old is she?
me: she's about the same age as you.
s: oh my god! and she's never been married?
me: neither have you. what time warp do you live in?
he said, i'm a GUY. and what about her biological clock?
let me tell you a bit more about earlier in the conversation -
s: all my friends were asking about you at that party, they said she's so beautiful! she must have been dynamite!
me: flattered but wondering why they used the past tense.
s: heh-heh, you know men only care about women in their 20s.
YES! justification!
since i split up with my decade-or-more older exhusband, i've found that men over the age of 40 (sometimes they last til 43) are not appealing as romantic partners. (though they can be entertaining friends).
generally, for guys, 26-32 is the sweet spot.
why?
younger guys are energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic about anything new. they approach relationships with sweetness and light. they have fun with my kids. they fall in love.
on an even more superficial level, their eyes sparkle, their skin is smooth, their abs are swoon-inspiring.
the older men complain about their exes and how bad/uninteresting/idiotic music, film, art, dance, journalism, literature has become. they bemoan the demise of the "good old days." they lay down absolutes about child discipline. they are often sarcastic, cynical and so self-protective that they can't be vulnerable or truly intimate.
(my experience btw)
ok. if you are a woman and thinking of dating up or down - here are some thoughts on the male operating system.
after a man reaches age 40-45, there is good old E.D. (look that up). this is shockingly common and it just gets worse.
a whole host of physiological and psychological factors can keep an older man from maintaining an erection (stress, depression, prostate issues, smoking, drinking alcohol, lack of sleep) and/or the ability to ejaculate.
next - what you see is what you get.
as women, we've been freaking out about our bodies since we were 10. we exercise. we eat healthy food. we scrub exfoliate and moisturize. we depilate and do crunches.
most men have not and do not do this. (unless they are gay, but that's not useful for the purposes of my research).
they generally don't realize that flesh-and-bones case that carries their souls requires maintenance.
worse, if they are successful, they wear their hairy-sprouting ears and portly bellies with pride, even in a bathing suit at a resort. (can you imagine a woman doing that?)
let's say you get past the thrill of dating and on to a marriage. things get worse.
having had kids with guys who are much older than myself (unless you have a TON of money) it's a big drag. they do not have the energy deal with a squalling infant or toddler. on daddy-duty, they put the kid "down for a nap" - which means daddy falls asleep and baby crawls out of the room and off to put barbie shoes into the dvd player or peanut butter in the electric sockets - while you are trying to do some rushed grocery shopping...
a ton of money would mean they could hire someone to do the job for them. so at least, you'd get time off. again, i am in my 40s so i know how hard it is to be round-the-clock parent, but i didn't START in my 40s.
last of all, if you've just realized you forgot to have a family (desperate to get pregnant) - your chances increase dramatically with a younger guy - if nothing else, frequency of ejaculation increases the probability of conception.
my suggestion - rob the cradle now so you can fill your own.
even grouchy old guys can be entertaining friends and great company - and i'm sure there are exceptions to the previous descriptions, but they are exceptions.
old sages can be wise. be you can be wiser. don't bring them home with you.
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