mercury retrograde

the clock changed and i'm trying to move forwards not back.

briefly, this summer, i fell back in love with an old boyfriend. probably because i've been in a rapidly accelerating crisis situation and i longed for something safe, tested, worn-in and comfortable.

he showed me, through innumerable signs exactly how unsuitable he was. when i needed help moving, he said he'd come and instead called me 5 hours after it was all over. no explanation. in fact, he showed up late to absolutely every meeting, even when he chose the time. over the years, he'd borrowed money from me, and now - despite my panicked financial moment - he still didn't offer to help or to even buy my kid a box of popcorn when he met us in the movie theater. he just ignored her hints.

still i could feel the sexual tension between us and the longing in the way he left the apartment. i could feel my kids' pleasure in his presence.

and after a pathetic last-ditch effort to re-connect, the illusion suddenly crashed to the floor. he was the same person i had walked away from. he was his same sweet, loving, irresponsible and self-centered self.

back to internet dating and all its related irritations.

like first of all, why do people simply ignore your qualifications? i am not interested in white men over 40. i even put it in the first line of my description. not because i am racist, just because i did that already.

probably the same reason i fell back in love. because you see what you want to see. because you project all those qualities you dream of on thin structure of the person you know.

there is something so 2-dimensional and impossible about meeting people that way. no one ever seems to look like their picture. almost inevitably, they look worse and are 2 inches shorter. no one can spell or write comprehensible sentences. or if they can, they are total disasters off the page. how can you meet everyone? and how can you possibly narrow your choices from a tiny profile?

ah. off to the acupuncturist to ponder further.