past lives

woke up yesterday morning in the midst of a dream of an ex-boyfriend.

he was so close to my face - i haven't seen him in years - i could feel his breath on my skin, see every pore and sense the muscles tensing in his cheeks. what's funny is that, without that dream, i could barely have remembered what he looked like.

in my dream, i was sitting in a sidewalk cafe and i saw a man riding around past us on a bicycle, shooting the street through a movie camera that he wore on his face like binoculars.

i was fascinated by the project. then he got off the bicycle and walked towards me. i recognized him and called out his name. the friend i was with in the cafe, dashed off to chase her child. i was thrilled to see him and he got closer and closer.

suddenly, he was inches from my face, about to give me a kiss. and i saw that 20 year-old smile so clearly. looking at him, i thrashed myself through consciousness to wake up - late for my ramadan pre-sunrise breakfast.

still in the afterglow of my dream, i made some eggs and pondered it.

i realized that the guy i saw in my dream couldn't have been my ex-boyfriend. not ever, in waking life. i saw him for what i'd dreamed him to be. a filmmaker with a handmade camera - because he'd always had a unique point of view. in real life, he is probably a manager of a business or a contractor. something safe and content.

let's call him joe. joe had a difficult childhood because his parents weren't helpful, his siblings weren't interested and no one else had been either. he was abandoned early on.

and somehow i could look at him and see his potential. all the possibilities of what he might have been if he'd had wider exposure, if he'd had more support, if he'd had the advantages of an upper middleclass childhood.

but the truth is, i could never be the person who would help him overcome that. and, in reality, he never would.

and i thought of a recent ex and realized how often i see someone's untapped potential and see them for that - perhaps dream that for them - while they might never reach it. they might not even see it themselves. they might not even want to.

and it made me wonder how often one is in relationships where you see only the best in someone while they see only their obstacles. and that maybe understanding your partner's setbacks and insurmountable barriers can do you both more good that envisioning where they could be without them.

my old man pt 2

so lately i've gone a handful of dates with 20-somethings.

and while i don't know if they saw me as a haggard old crone (it was just my 45th birthday), i felt a bit empty afterwards.

what i love about younger guys is their enthusiasm, excitement, energy and optimism.

but i walked away wondering what we talked about.

maybe i was intimidating. maybe they were shy. but somehow the conversations lacked depth. they felt like missed trains.

i'm not interested in cynicism, excessive analytics or psychological digs, but isn't there a middle ground?

love in a headscarf

met a women at the MLT conference today called Shelina Zahra Janmohamed who's written a book called, LOVE IN A HEADSCARF about her search for love - both romantic and divine.

she also has a blog www.spirit21.co.uk

wondering about dating/falling in love with a woman in a hijab? compelling? or does it freak you out?

read her book and her blog which gained her the title, one of britain's 50 most powerful women, for tips and information.

she showed up at the event with her husband - a muslim and a south asian - so i guess the search is over.

but i'm really interested in how it played out...

age old or the sweetness of spring

raise your hands if you read, "Your Old Man" in the sunday, ny times magazine, with a smug sense of i-told-you-so.

i shop the juniors section myself. can't help it.

the article, by lisa belkin, was about the male biological clock and the fact that sperm ages too. so if, like tony randall, you father a child at 60 or so (even after 39, guys), your kid is more likely to be schizophrenic, autistic, bipolar, less intelligent, etc.

just realized she was scooped emily nussbaum, "this old sperm," in new york magazine (p11, march 23, 2009). yes, the smartest kids are the combination of older mothers and younger fathers! (nussbaum suggests 45 year-old career women inseminated by their 21 year-old personal trainers). rock on, career women.

did i learn that intuitively?

was talking to my friend satyajit the other day (he's 39 or 40) about a woman friend who was regretting never getting married and/or having kids (as we all have momentary regrets about one or another life-altering choice we make).

s: how old is she?

me: she's about the same age as you.

s: oh my god! and she's never been married?

me: neither have you. what time warp do you live in?

he said, i'm a GUY. and what about her biological clock?


let me tell you a bit more about earlier in the conversation -

s: all my friends were asking about you at that party, they said she's so beautiful! she must have been dynamite!

me: flattered but wondering why they used the past tense.

s: heh-heh, you know men only care about women in their 20s.

YES! justification!

since i split up with my decade-or-more older exhusband, i've found that men over the age of 40 (sometimes they last til 43) are not appealing as romantic partners. (though they can be entertaining friends).

generally, for guys, 26-32 is the sweet spot.

why?

younger guys are energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic about anything new. they approach relationships with sweetness and light. they have fun with my kids. they fall in love.

on an even more superficial level, their eyes sparkle, their skin is smooth, their abs are swoon-inspiring.

the older men complain about their exes and how bad/uninteresting/idiotic music, film, art, dance, journalism, literature has become. they bemoan the demise of the "good old days." they lay down absolutes about child discipline. they are often sarcastic, cynical and so self-protective that they can't be vulnerable or truly intimate.

(my experience btw)

ok. if you are a woman and thinking of dating up or down - here are some thoughts on the male operating system.

after a man reaches age 40-45, there is good old E.D. (look that up). this is shockingly common and it just gets worse.

a whole host of physiological and psychological factors can keep an older man from maintaining an erection (stress, depression, prostate issues, smoking, drinking alcohol, lack of sleep) and/or the ability to ejaculate.

next - what you see is what you get.

as women, we've been freaking out about our bodies since we were 10. we exercise. we eat healthy food. we scrub exfoliate and moisturize. we depilate and do crunches.

most men have not and do not do this. (unless they are gay, but that's not useful for the purposes of my research).

they generally don't realize that flesh-and-bones case that carries their souls requires maintenance.

worse, if they are successful, they wear their hairy-sprouting ears and portly bellies with pride, even in a bathing suit at a resort. (can you imagine a woman doing that?)

let's say you get past the thrill of dating and on to a marriage. things get worse.

having had kids with guys who are much older than myself (unless you have a TON of money) it's a big drag. they do not have the energy deal with a squalling infant or toddler. on daddy-duty, they put the kid "down for a nap" - which means daddy falls asleep and baby crawls out of the room and off to put barbie shoes into the dvd player or peanut butter in the electric sockets - while you are trying to do some rushed grocery shopping...

a ton of money would mean they could hire someone to do the job for them. so at least, you'd get time off. again, i am in my 40s so i know how hard it is to be round-the-clock parent, but i didn't START in my 40s.

last of all, if you've just realized you forgot to have a family (desperate to get pregnant) - your chances increase dramatically with a younger guy - if nothing else, frequency of ejaculation increases the probability of conception.

my suggestion - rob the cradle now so you can fill your own.

even grouchy old guys can be entertaining friends and great company - and i'm sure there are exceptions to the previous descriptions, but they are exceptions.

old sages can be wise. be you can be wiser. don't bring them home with you.

dating across the age barrier

i am pleased to say i recently went on a date with the cutest 29 year-old with big brown eyes and long, long lashes that would make butterflies weep.

we met online and started a flip-flirtation on ichat.

much as i enjoyed his playful nature, i couldn't help myself from pointing out, "this is fun but really you should be calling me auntie."

to which he kindly responded, "DUDE, i read your profile thoroughly! i know you've got three kids and i know how old you are."

anyway, we met up for brunch.

brunch? as you get older your wrinkles get worse as they day progresses. in the morning, just after a shower, i look fresh and rosy. and morning sunlight is so sweet and optimistic.

also, with 3 teenagers who all require picking up and dropping off on weekend evenings it is almost impossible for me to go out in the evening. the last time i tried to do something, james told sasha (then-15 and in a miniskirt) to take a cab home from a party on the westside highway and 27th st because he was already getting into bed.

then again, semi-darkness can hide a multitude of flaws especially with some good concealer...

needless to say, you've got to have an exceptional spark to do the legwork (i know, at my tired old age) to make it work across the age borders - and we didn't set off fireworks - though i was thrilled to discover he was a lovely, caring person.

reading the signs

another hard lesson.

oh maybe not, because it's something i've tried to do before and i didn't learn then.

the difficulties of trying to do business with an ex. or a current.

i read an article somewhere about the effects of love/sex on the female brain. and women trust men they sleep with - or are romantically involved with.

and even years later, it can be hard to separate what you want to believe "seeing the best in a person" and what the rest of the world is telling you.

so, yet again, i tried to collaborate with a once-romantic partner.

and one after the other, every project i put him on to collapsed. and one after the other, clients didn't like him, found him too tightly-wound, too aggressive and too confrontational.

or they simply disappeared.

and i kept putting it down to the changing economy, his learning a new paradigm - working in the beauty/fashion industry - rather than the boy-power world of business.

and then - as the economy got worse - he turned his gaze on me

and started blaming my communication style for breakdowns, my informal work style as disrespectful and the main obstacle to our success.

it is true that i have the attention span of a flea, very little patience and a sudden and short temper. though my miniscule attention span means that i've forgotten it pretty fast too.

the fact that i am generally operating as a creative or a strategist in an industry that requires immediate and complete immersion one minute and a 360 change of direction the next, my sprinter's style works well.

he comes from a world of suits, long-drawn-out power negotiations, conference calls, and constant meetings. his work is less the business of "making things" and more that of creating a setting.

in any case, cross-cultural misfire.

and - i've seen it again and again - husband-and-wife start-ups, boyfriend-and-girlfriend fashion lines, girlfriend-and-girlfriend handbags collections. they all almost all fall apart.

(with a few exceptions - inez and vinoodh, my brother's friends james and nora lee ... can't think of more off the top of my head. except for gay men. they seem to have seamlessly pulled off the dissolution of the relationship without the dissolution of the business. maybe it's a guy thing. haven't learned it)

so my advice - if you insist on trying to work with a romantic partner or spouse - or an ex:

draw up a legal document. this may be more important than a pre-nup.

figure out what you expect from each other.
how much you are each investing and what qualifies as an investment.
what your responsibilites are
how you will dissolve the partnership

you should do this while you are still jolly and excited about the possibilities. then you tend to be more open to each other's points of view. and more generous.

i suppose the writing should have been on the wall when my "friend" became completely angry and defensive and refused to even consider such a thing...

anyway, in this case, your ethnicity only matters in that, as "good" asian women, we're willing to take the blame.

that may be the case for almost all women who've been brought up to be "nice" at the expense of all else...

rules of the game or sexercises

i'm breaking this up because this is important.

i don't want you to just skip over this stuff.

BEFORE you leap into bed with your new ethnic hottie -


1. be honest with yourself – what’s your secret, private view of the “other” person. what is exciting about it? what is weird? do you hate uncircumsized penises? do piercings make you squeamish?

2. more honesty: what are you willing to do? what stereotypes are you willing to give up?

3. talk about it. not about how hot and sexy you are or someone else is. not about how desperate you are to have sex with someone. but honestly, with your partner. it usually is easier to do when you are not about to have sex. talk about it when you are both in the car and can look out the window when it’s too awkward to catch each other’s gaze.

this is also a good moment to talk about stds. especially the incurable and/or fatal variety.

and while you're here, you might as well get the condom question out in the open.

even if this is your wedding night.

4. NEXT - talk about it with your close friends if it doesn’t embarass you to death. get a sense of how human you are. trade some stories. this is not an opportunity to make stuff up to impress your homies. this is a chance to connect in a safe space.

5. also essential - exercise. eat healthy food. get enough sleep. don’t smoke. your body really is your temple. live in it. be good to your body and it will be good to you. and to others.

sex is always better when you are healthier.

(not convinced? they say women who do pilates and yoga have better orgasms. just a thought.)